


And So It Goes

by katelai



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Colonist (Mass Effect), Destruction, F/M, Post-Mass Effect 3, Romance, War Hero (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-07-26 22:44:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7593076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katelai/pseuds/katelai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And So It Goes covers what happened to Shepard and Kaidan after the Reapers were destroyed in the Destruction ending. I recently replayed the Mass Effect series and—even with all of the glorious cut scenes—I had so many questions about what happened next. Because of this, I decided to write about two of my favorite characters in the game, and posit what exactly happened to Commander Shepard, Kaidan, and the Normandy.<br/>Beta'd by the lovely forgotmyline, who somehow knows what to do with all of my misplaced commas.<br/>I should be updating weekly, and anticipate 9 or 10 chapters. Enjoy. :D<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Commander Shepard

**Author's Note:**

> Shep's first name is Kit, but I hardly use it, to avoid awkwardness with your headcannon. When I do use it, I'll be very clear that I'm talking about Shep. 
> 
> I did some research for this story but a lot of the assumptions I’m making I could not verify or find info on. These include what an Omnitool is exactly and how it works, how effective Medigel is, where Shep ended up after the end of ME3 destruction extended cut ending, what happened to the mass relays and the citadel, what internal biotic tech was damaged from the reaper/vi/ai wipe, and where the Normandy ended up. If I’m wrong, and there is actual hard evidence from the games or books, please let me know! I might go back and change things, especially since I want this to be accurate.

Song: [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHO6a2H-pqY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHO6a2H-pqY)

 

> _So I would choose to be with you_
> 
> _That's if the choice were mine to make_
> 
> _But you can make decisions too_
> 
> _And you can have this heart to break_
> 
> -Billy Joel

 

I can hear my own breathing. Every single breath hurts. I feel empty, not emotionally--I feel like my body is empty of blood and my internal organs. There is a tightness, like my chest is a hollow rock, and not made of flesh and blood. There’s a burning smell, a smell of cooked flesh, and suddenly I’m hungry. My hunger triggers a wave of nausea, and I wonder if I have to throw up, if I have the strength to turn to my side so I don’t aspirate on my own vomit.

There’s crying. I hear a woman weeping. Is that me? Am I weeping? I try to lay quietly and concentrate on my breathing. The weeping is coming from my left. Why the hell is it so dark? I realize my eyes won’t open, but I can feel my eyelids struggling. I remember that I have arms and hands, and try to move them. My right one rises and touches my eyes. That was a mistake. Pain radiates through my face and I hear myself groan. I think I was hurt there. But finally an eyelid cracks and I’m only greeted with more darkness.

I can still hear the sound of a woman weeping, crying out for help. When I remember my voice, I say hello quietly, but it’s unintelligible even to me. I clear my throat, and say it again more loudly. “Hello,” she says back, between tearful sobs.

“What happened?” I ask her. I’m not really sure who I am, where I am, what I am.

“I don’t know,” she cries back.

And then blackness. I succumb to a darkness that is the only thing I remember and the only thing I know.

 

Time passes… 

“Kaidan!” I awake with a jolt and realize I’m crying. And that’s when it all comes back to me. I fought for three long years, and now I’ll lay here and die alone.

I am about to succumb to the darkness again when I hear a woman ask, “Who’s Kaidan?” I can tell she’s been crying.

“Someone I love,” I tell her, which comes out in a croak. I try to wiggle my toes. I think four or five of them moved. I try to wiggle my fingers, and realize I can only feel my right arm.

“I think my daughter is dead,” I hear her say, her voice shakier the longer she speaks.

Those words hit me like a punch in the gut. “Fuck the reapers,” I tell her, my voice slightly more coherent this time 

I feel around with my one good hand. I’m laying on what I can only assume is rubble. I can feel sticky hot blood on my abdomen. All I can see are the stars above me, and I don’t think I can sit up.

“Fuck those assholes,” she tells me quietly.

“Amen. My name is Kit,” I say, not sure what else to tell her. 

“I’m Lindy. Are we going to die here?”

“I don’t know, Lindy,” I respond. I use my one good arm to try to prop myself up. That hurts a lot more than I thought it would. My head is swimming and I’m afraid I’ll faint. I breathe deeply and concentrate on staying up and staying conscious. I know suddenly and clearly that I’ll die if I fall asleep again. I decide in that moment that I don’t want to die. Not without seeing Kaidan again.

“You don’t look so good, Kit,” Lindy says.

I turn my head to look at her. She’s sitting on a fallen beam, hugging a child’s stuffed toy to her chest, bobbing back and forth. We’re in an open area of the Citadel, the stars above us, with Earth’s horizon barely visible beyond the edge of my vision, and wreckage surrounding us on all sides.

My left arm is completely lifeless, and my Omnitool is installed on that arm. I pull it onto my lap with my right hand--it feels like a dead weight and heavier than I expect. I had programmed my Omnitool to activate when I crossed my index and middle fingers on my left, so I try to awkwardly position my fingers using my other hand. It takes a few tries, but I finally get it to activate my tool. It flickers a few times, but then stays constant. The light from it illuminates my surroundings a bit, making it look bleaker and more desperate than I had originally thought. 

I pull up the screen and look up my Medigel reserves. One pack left. I run a quick diagnostic of my body, only to find that the mechanical joints on my left side are all non responsive--it must have been affected when I destroyed the reaper AI core. Medigel won’t fix that, so I decide to apply the one packet to the seeping wound on my abdomen. It’s like putting a screen door on a spaceship--but hopefully it’ll give me the time I need until I can find help.

I think my armor is partially melted to my skin, well, in the areas where the armor wasn’t completely blown away. It hurts every time I move my arm or take a deep breath. I try to ignore the implications of this and examine Lindy more closely. Her clothing is ragged--she has on a long high collared floor length dress that was red at one time, and her hair is long, surrounding her in frizzy brown clumps. I see some blood on her clothing and face, but overall she looks unharmed.

“What’s your daughter’s name?” I ask gently.

“Maura,” she tells me, still holding that stuffed toy tightly, bobbing back and forth. Shock does that to you.

“Where was she last?” I ask, hoping that it’s just a matter of finding the poor girl amongst the chaos of what was once the Citadel.

“Here,” Lindy tells me.

I scan with my Omnitool, pinging several life signs in the immediate area, one directly behind her. I can’t stand up in order to search for them.

“Lindy, can you stand?” Thankfully she immediately stands, still hugging the doll.

“Do you have an Omnitool?” I prompt. I could send the coordinates to her tool, if hers isn’t sophisticated enough to search for life signs.

“I don’t,” she tells me sadly.

“It’s okay,” I tell her. “I can direct you.”

She nods and I start to direct her to a pile of rubble a few steps away from where she was sitting. As she starts to move detritus, I ping communications on my tool. Most Omnitools are short range, and use a com tower or relay network to communicate at a distance, and I’m hoping they’re not all burned out. At one time there were 13 million people living on the Citadel, I hope against hope that they’re not all dead. I find that I can’t ping any specific relay, but my Omnitool identifies several other active Omnitools in range of me, so I send a message out en mass with my location and an SOS. Each message will pass to any other Omnitools in range. If there are enough active tools on the Citadel, there’s a chance that my message could relay to all corners of the station. Possibly even to any vessels in close proximity.

Immediately a few other distress signals ping back to my tool, and I find relief in the many pockets of survivors calling out. We’re not alone. I send instructions to start gathering survivors and medical supplies in any open locations, and then to report back with their coordinates.

“Maura!” I hear Lindy shout. She’s cradling a child in her arms. “She’s breathing,” Lindy cries. The little girl is limp in her arms.

“Bring her over here, Lindy,” I tell her. I key up my medical diagnostic tool, and scan the little girl as soon as she’s in range. 

“It says she has a concussion, but I think she’s fine,” I say.

Lindy sits down next to me cradling her daughter. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she cries.

Where the hell is the Alliance, I think to myself, unwilling to speak the words and disturb this woman’s happy moment amongst all of this hell surrounding us. 

Eventually, I’m able to coerce Lindy into looking for more survivors, after she helps me move so my back is up against a fallen beam, with her daughter nestled against my side. Maura’s toy is tucked firmly in her arms. (It’s a stuffed Volus, now that I can inspect it closer.) Our party eventually grows from three to six survivors, and I am able to direct people farther into the Citadel to assist in the rescue effort. 

After a few hours I realize that if I don’t get help soon, I’m not going to make it off of the Citadel. The medigel can only do so much. I think it’s blocked some of the pain, but I’m still bleeding and starting to feel feverish. I broadcast a wide spectrum message on an old radio frequency requesting help, hoping an Alliance ship in the area will receive it.

While I wait, I start to write a letter to Kaidan. I have no idea where the hell he and the Normandy are, but I don’t want my last moments to be spent thinking of anything other than him.

I black out halfway through. The pain is more acute and I can only ignore it for so long. When I see the blackness encroaching on my consciousness, I think, this is it. I love you, Kaidan.


	2. Major Alenko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In chapter 2 we meet up with Major Kaidan Alenko and the rest of the Normandy crew to see where they are after the end of Destruction. Kaidan is conflicted about being away from Shepard, but will have to decide where he can afford to grieve now, or to stand tall for the crew in order to get them home.

Kaidan had never been so angry in his life. _If she died there… If she died alone…_ His thoughts kept circling around, making him angrier.

He knew rationally that Joker flying the Normandy as fast and as far as he could was a logical decision, one he would have made himself, but the farther Joker took him from Earth, the angrier he grew. Later, Kaidan would notice small crescent moon scabs on his palms from clenching his hands into fists so tightly.

When the Normandy finally couldn’t take it anymore, Joker was forced to crash land on a lush garden class moon orbiting a gas giant at the very farthest edge of the Terminus systems. They were almost completely on the other end of the galaxy, in a solar system somewhere between the Rosetta Nebula and the Far Rim. It had only taken them a few hours to get there somehow, but the reality of the situation was that now that they were there, it would probably take them days just to reach the closest mass effect relay. That was assuming the mass effect relays were still operational, and that the Normandy hadn’t just crash landed on some forgotten backwater planet.

During the race for the edge of the galaxy, EDI had been placed in a deep power down mode, and she would stay that way until they could get back to Earth to assess the damage to her systems. Kaidan hoped to god that it was all worth it.

It had happened again--Shepard had stood up for all life in the galaxy, and he had failed to protect her. It happened when Sovereign crashed into the Citadel tower and Shepard had been almost crushed under a Reaper ship fragment, and again when the Collectors destroyed the SR-1 with her still aboard. Both times she had faced death alone. He’d promised himself that it wouldn’t happen again, and now he found himself on the other side of the Milky Way, unsure if the woman he loved, and swore to protect, was dead or fighting for her life.

Standing on sweet smelling soil of the garden type moon, Kaidan struggled to control the anger and hopeless he felt. He was normally so good at controlling his anger--he had realized he needed to hold an iron grip on it after he’d killed his instructor at BaaT training when he was a teenager.

“I hope this was all worth it,” Kaidan said to Joker quietly. He couldn’t help himself. Kaidan didn’t realize it at the time, but his biotic abilities had been wiped away during the anti-Reaper wave, and it was a small mercy for Joker’s sake.

“With all due to respect, Major,” Joker said to him angrily. “Fuck you.”

Joker limped off into a lush patch of vegetation, and feigned interest in his Omnitool. Kaidan concentrated on his breathing, and crossed his arms, waiting for the wave of anxiety to pass.

“She’s still alive,” he heard Garrus say behind him, as if he could read Kaidan’s thoughts. Kaidan hadn’t even realized Garrus had stepped off of the ship.

“If I know anything about Shepard, she’s still alive,” Garrus assured him in a soothing tone.

“I can’t lose her again,” Kaidan told him, unable to look his friend in the eye.

“We’ll get you home,” Garrus responded, before turning back to the ship.

~

 “Major, I have a status report for you in regards to the status of the Normandy,” Traynor chirped as Kaidan walked into the CIC.

“Uh, okay,” Kaidan responded, slightly dazed.

“You’re the ranking military officer aboard the Normandy, sir,” Traynor informed him, slightly abashed.

“I’m in charge?” Kaidan asked, before scrubbing his face with his hands. “Okay, hit me with it.”

“After running an analysis of the planets in this system, and the stars visible, we were able to ascertain our approximate location.” Kaidan could sense her trying to mask her distress at their current situation. He knew she had strong feelings for their Commander--Shepard’s loss had probably hit the entire crew pretty hard.

“We’re in a system called Virtue, in the Charmides Nebula, on a moon called Temperance, orbiting Sophrosune, which is a gas giant. It’s quite far from the nearest mass relay, which is why it currently sits unoccupied.”

After moving to stand in Shepard’s traditional spot at the Galaxy map, Kaidan watched the map as Traynor manipulated it to zoom into the system in the upper right corner of the Terminus Systems. He could just make out the Far Rim in the corner, and knew Rannoch, in the Perseus Veil, were not far from there.

“Commander, if I may?” he heard the familiar slightly grainy voice that could only belong to Tali’Zorah vas Normandy. She was standing to his right, next to Traynor. And that was when Kaidan noticed the rest of the Shepard’s team surrounding the console on both sides--Garrus, Dr. Chakwas, Liara, Lt. Steve Cortez, even Javik, Adams, Donnelly, and Gabby. Joker likely still outside, mourning EDI. Lt James Vega had stayed behind on Earth to assist in the ground effort--it was a relieving thought--if anyone was going to help Shepard, Vega would.

Kaidan looked to Tali and nodded. 

“If we head to Rannoch, by way of the Far Rim relay, we should be able to ascertain a better understanding of the state of the Alliance ships and Earth’s status.” 

Kaidan could read between the lines: Tali wanted to go home. All of his friends most likely did, there was a lot of rebuilding to do, on Rannoch, on Palaven, and on Thessia. He nodded, and turned towards the map. “Once we’ve been able to repair the Normandy we’ll head for the Far Rim, and then Rannoch. Traynor, map the course now and let me know how long it’ll take to get to the relay.”

Traynor nodded and immediately began to do some calculations on her station.

Kaidan turned towards the team. “I’ll get you all home,” he told them, at the time not realizing just how long that would inevitably take. He was struggling to hold back intense overwhelming emotions as he wanted to appear confident and strong for the crew. He couldn’t afford to break down. He’d take the advice Shepard had once given him back when they were stationed on the SR-1--he’d break down after the mission was over.

“If I may, Major?” Garrus asked gently before stepping forward. Kaidan, finding it hard to speak, nodded at Garrus. 

“Shepard’s probably sitting in a bar on Earth celebrating as we speak, wondering where the hell we all are,” Garrus assured him. “Until then, we all have confidence in you, we know you’ll be able to get us home.”

With that, everyone on the team smiled and nodded at Kaidan, offering him their support.

~

“After doing a little bit more digging I think it’s best that we avoid eating any of the local flora or fauna--it seems to have a rare strain of allergen that could cause some unpleasant bathroom pyrotechnics. Best not to mention any of this to Gabby, though.”

Sitting with his head resting on his hand at Shepard’s desk in her cabin, Kaidan wasn’t really listening to Traynor’s assessment of the moon Temperance and their current surroundings. However he did zone back in for that last part.

“Make sure no one sneaks up here to use Shepard’s head eh, Traynor,” he teased with half a smile.

Assuming he hadn’t heard a word she said, Traynor blushed. Kaidan dragged his hands across his face, rubbing hard to wake himself up.

“What is the status the Normandy’s quantum entanglement communications terminal?”

Traynor shifted uncomfortably. “As far as we can tell, it’s working from our end. Unfortunately, no one has a thorough grasp on the technology to figure out what the issue is. Those most capable of figuring it out are either busy with other tasks, or were left behind on Earth.”

Kaidan expected as much.

“Is there anything else?” he asked her tiredly.

“Yes, Major, sorry. I know you haven’t slept since--that is--I…” Traynor stopped herself, squeezing her eyes closed for a second. “I finished mapping our position relative to the relay in Far Rim. If we slingshot the Normandy from this system’s sun, we should be able to reach it in fourteen days. Also, Adams reported that it would take two days to repair the Normandy’s engines, provided we can find the necessary raw materials on Temperance or Sophrosune or one of the other moons. Ironically, the other moons are called Virtue, Quietness, and Modesty, they’re from a Greek--”

“Traynor,” Kaidan cut her off. He was now rubbing both temples with his fingers. He could feel a migraine coming on. Funny, he thought, that even though his L2 implants were no longer working—from the anti-Reaper energy wave assumedly—he could still get the same old migraines from his implant.

“Sorry, Major. Engineering reports two days for repairs, by their best estimate. Tali is heading up the hull repairs, and her assessment is that it’ll take at least a week to repair the worst breaches, but that we should be able take off before it’s complete if we install some new force shields first. The bad news, however.” Traynor paused.

“Yes?” Kaidan prompted.

“The bad news is we’re out of fuel and there isn’t a fuel depot in the immediate vicinity. Liara said that there should be wreckage of a fuel depot in the system, but as of yet we’ve been unable to pinpoint it.”

“Okay, send Cortez and his support team out on the NS1 and have them scan for it. While they’re out they they can survey any other resources in the system we may need,” Kaidan responded.

“Very good, Major,” Traynor chimed back.

“So we’re here for at least, what, a week, two?” Kaidan prompted, unsure of how long it would take Cortez to locate fuel.

“Two I think is a better estimate,” Traynor informed him, unable to keep the crestfallen tone from her voice.

“So four weeks until we get to Far Rim,” Kaidan stated before exhaling forcefully. _Please to whatever god is listening,_ he thought, _please let Shepard be alive._

~

It was a busy day in the Normandy infirmary. Gabriella Daniels from Engineering was currently curled up in a ball from abdominal cramps on one of the free cots, waiting for an intestinal alleviant to kick in. _To be fair_ , Dr. Chakwas thought, _I did caution everyone about the produce on Temperance, to wait until she could perform a full analysis_. Apparently Kenneth Donnelly had egged her on, and one thing led to another. In addition to that, she had three fractured bones, and four concussions in her medbay, from the crash landing. Due to the low number of beds, she had some of her auxiliary staff set up triage cots in the AI core. She hoped Joker wouldn’t mind.

She was in the middle of her analysis of some of the hanging fruit from near the ship when a team raced into the infirmary carrying a serviceman who was currently unconscious. She recognized him as Corporal Ian Ferguson, a ranking member of the mechanics team, and an L2 biotic.

“What happened?” Chakwas asked as she motioned for the men to set him down on one of her surgical cots.

“He complained of a headache and then just collapsed, ma’am,” one of the privates responded.

Dr. Chakwas knew that most of the biotic implants had been wiped clean of any programming, most likely due to the anti-Reaper wave. She hoped that this episode didn’t have anything to do with the L2 implant itself, but that was what she suspected, so it was the first thing she scanned with her diagnostic tools.

“Get me Liara T’Soni immediately,” she ordered upon seeing the results of her scan. There was an abscess near the Corporal’s implant, and she could tell that part of the implant itself had been shifted because of it. She felt like her heart had just stopped in her chest.

“And Major Alenko! Have someone check on the Major immediately!” She shouted.


	3. The Rubble or Our Sins

 

> _But if you close your eyes,_
> 
> _Does it almost feel like_
> 
> _Nothing changed at all?_
> 
> _And if you close your eyes,_
> 
> _Does it almost feel like_
> 
> _You've been here before?_
> 
> _How am I gonna be an optimist about this?_
> 
> _How am I gonna be an optimist about this?_
> 
>  
> 
> _Oh where do we begin?_
> 
> _The rubble or our sins?_
> 
> -Pompei by Bastille

 

“Hey. Wow. Look who’s here. How do you feel?” Shepard said, waking up and finding herself in Kaidan’s arms. They were on her bed in her Citadel apartment, and had fallen asleep in their clothing the night before, after the party had wound down.

Kaidan propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at her. “Why not scooch a little closer and find out for yourself?” he said as bent to kiss her, and Shepard rewarded him with a smile as he rose from the bed.

“Don’t tempt me like that,” she told him as she followed him to sit on the edge.

“It’d be so nice to lay here all day with you,” she said softly, putting her arm around his back.

“Let’s see if anyone else is up,” she continued, as Kaidan began to walk from the room. As soon as he passed through the doorway he vanished, as if he turned into a cloud of smoke and was swept away by a breeze.

“Kaidan?” Shepard called from the bed. She made her way to hallway, but as soon as she stepped through the threshold, she was in her kitchen. Oddly, Miranda Lawson stood at the stove stirring something in a pot.

“When I originally rebuilt her, I had to replace all of her joints in her left arm and left leg with cybernetic components. I ended up adding some intricate coding to make sure they could withstand the kind of beating Commander Shepard is notorious for receiving,” Miranda said as she stirred with a wooden spoon..

“Miranda?” Shepard asked her as she moved closer to the stove.

“It looks like the wave that destroyed the Reapers also wiped out all of the coding from those joints,” Miranda continued without looking up.

“What are you talking about? Where’s Kaidan?”

“Yes, I actually have most of it logged from my project Lazarus days. I’ll get to work repairing them right away,” Miranda spoke as she faded away into blackness.

~

Aches and pains were all Shepard knew as she awoke from what felt like the longest nap from hell.

“Shepard?” she heard a female voice with an Australian accent. “She’s awake.”

“Nnngh,” Shepard groaned as she tried to raise her right hand to rub her forehead, but stopped when she felt a pulling on her skin and a small sharp pain.

“Uh nope, Shepard, that one has an IV line in it,” Miranda informed her. _What’s Miranda doing here?_ she thought. _Wait, where’s here?_

Finally she realized she’d have to open her eyes to figure that out. At first the light was blinding, and her eyes felt like they were full of gunk. She fluttered her eyelids a few times until a black and white blob turned into Miranda Lawson. They were in a canvas military style tent, and  Shepard was lying in a hospital bed with a monitor and tray table to her side. Miranda was sitting in a folding metal chair to her left.

“Where?” she rasped, before smacking her dry lips together a few times. She felt a straw inserted into her mouth, and like any good patient, she pulled on it and drank heavily of the delicious cooling water.

“Take it easy, Commander,” Miranda said amusedly. “You’re on Earth, in a triage camp near San Francisco. The Alliance is housing some of the relief effort here.”

“What day?” Shepard asked as soon as she’d had her fill of water.

“You destroyed the Reapers four days ago and they found you on the Citadel three days ago,” Miranda said as she placed the water cup on the tray table.

“I’ve been out for three days?”

“You had a severe concussion and a cerebral contusion, so your doctors placed you in a medically induced coma until the worst had passed. They called me in yesterday when they realized there was something wrong with your arm and leg.”

Shepard rubbed her face with her unencumbered left hand, and only realized it was working again a few moments later. “Oh neat,” she said bemusedly as she opened and closed her hand in front of her face several times.

“The programming on your left side had been wiped out by the Reaper wave, I just reinstalled everything. Thankfully I had most of the protocols saved from my time at Cerberus,” Miranda informed her, looking slightly smug.

“Thank you,” Shepard said, relieved to know that she would be able to walk again. Remembering her other injury, she felt her abdomen for the wound that had once been there.

“The docs here did a fine job stitching you up, too, although it was a close call. You’re lucky they found you on the Citadel when they did. Lieutenant Vega was assisting in the rescue effort after the final battle. His team came across an odd distress signal broadcast on an old radio frequency, which led him to a network of Omnitools that helped him pinpoint your exact location. Apparently, the Citadel survivors had already started to form rescue teams and triage areas well before Alliance forces arrived to assist them. Have anything to do with that, Shepard?”

“Me?” Shepard responded, perplexed. “I remember waking up in the rubble, with my arm and leg not working, and the blood leaking from my abdomen, but not much else. It’s spotty.”

“Apparently you rallied everyone and networked the Omnitools, all while bleeding out,” Miranda continued, smiling. “Your face was so swollen from some sort of blunt force trauma, the medical technicians could hardly see your eyes in the mess. Pieces of your armor had also fused with your skin in some areas. I have a picture if you want to--”

“Ah, nope, I’m good,” Shepard cut her off, feeling queasy at the very idea.

“Commander Shepard,” a male voice rang from the hallway, and in walked Admiral Hackett.

“Earth, the whole galaxy, owes you a debt of gratitude for whatever you did up there to stop the Reapers,” he said in his familiar confident cadence.

Miranda bent to give Shepard a kiss on the cheek before leaving the room. She stopped in the doorway. “I’m really glad you’re alright,” she said softly before walking away.

“Admiral,” Shepard addressed Hackett with a nod, relieved to know that he had survived the final battle. Her heart skipped a beat, suddenly remembering that Admiral Anderson had died on the Crucible.

“Admiral Anderson didn’t make it,” she informed him tearfully, her emotions so close to the surface. She’d never teared up in front of a superior officer before, but she didn’t quite care for military decorum at the moment. You get a pass card after you’ve saved the galaxy a few times. Add that to whatever pain meds they currently had her on.

“We suspected as much when we heard he had made it onto the Citadel,” Hackett quietly responded, before sitting down in the folding chair to sit at Shepard’s bedside. “Anderson died a hero, and we’ll make sure his memory lives on. We thought we lost you as well, Commander, but you have quite a knack for hanging on.”

“Admiral, what of the Normandy?” Shepard asked, her heart rate immediately spiking for fear of the answer.

“We tracked them to the local mass effect relay, but lost them as soon as they jumped. The relay was damaged moments later, but we have our best working on getting it back up.”

“Nothing from the QEC, the quantum entanglement comms?”

“Unfortunately, no,” Hackett informed her, concern clear in his voice. “Our QEC facility on Earth was damaged during that last battle, but from what our techs can tell the device is still operational. I’m actually sending Lawson there now to double check their diagnosis.”

Shepard’s stomach sunk. Wherever Kaidan and her team was, it would be a while before she saw or heard from them. If they were still alive.

“Now if you’re feeling up to it, I’d like to talk to you about what happened on the Crucible…”

~

“Commander, you have to wait for the doctor to discharge you!” a young male nurse begged, trying to block Commander Shepard from exiting her hospital room. Shepard was dressed in a hospital gown sloppily tucked into scrub pants, her hair going every which way, and was hobbling around the room with a cane. She’d been cooped up in that triage tent for 48 hours since waking up, and felt like she’d had about enough rest and recuperation to last a lifetime.

“I can’t stand another minute of this place, I need to get out!” Shepard shouted back somewhat frantically, trying to bat the nurse away with the cane.

“The doctor is still reviewing your test results,” the nurse pleaded, trying to grab the cane. “You also need a chaperone to sign you out!”

“They have been scanning me and prodding me and poking me daily, nothing has changed!” Shepard shouted, exasperated.

“Commander,” the doctor in question called out from behind the nurse. “Please sit down.”

Exasperated, Shepard fell back into the nearest chair with an audible _oomph_. She shakily brushed a loose lock of hair behind her ear. The doctor signalled the nurse to leave, who wasted no time before escaping down the hall.

“I finally have a complete scan of your hip--our test queue has been backed up for days due to the influx of triage patients from the Citadel.”

Shepard exhaled and sat back. Her hip ached and she longed to rub it, but she was afraid of showing weakness to her harridan of a doctor.

“Unfortunately, it looks like the ball joint housing that Ms. Lawson installed is cracked, which caused some of the circuitry to short. We’ll need to do a full hip replacement to fix it.”

Shepard’s stomach sunk at the idea of being hospitalized for one moment more. It was clear that there was no need to pretend like she wasn’t in pain--she gave in and rubbed her hip.

“You should be able to survive with a cane or crutches and pain relievers for a few weeks--all of your muscles are functioning properly and the cellular therapy that Ms. Lawson pioneered during Project Lazarus has done a remarkable job repairing most of the other bodily damage. Plus, I can have Nurse Sutton set you up with a supportive hip brace.”

“A few weeks?” Shepard asked, afraid to hope.

“Unfortunately, we don’t have a complete sterile operating suite set up yet, it’s too risky in a tent, and since it’s an elective procedure, it falls behind all of our triage patients. I’ll have our nurse here contact you as soon as a slot opens up at one of our newer modular hospitals.”

“Okay,” Shepard responded, unsure if she should be relieved.

“In the meantime, as soon as your chaperone shows up, I’ll discharge you.”

“Did someone say chaperone, Lola?” Shepard heard James Vega call from the hallway.

~

“A wheelchair, crutches, and a cane. Gotta say, Lola, I’m kind of jealous of your loadout,” James remarked chuckling as he wheeled Shepard, seated in the wheelchair, down the center gangway of the massive triage camp. When he’d come knocking earlier, he’d brought a fresh Alliance uniform for her to wear, which included under garments. James had uncomfortably asked her at the time to never say the word “panties” around him ever again.

Shepard, while relieved to be back in an outfit she was more accustomed to, shifted uncomfortably in her seat, trying to find a position that didn’t pinch due to her new hip brace. The “brace” consisted of a pair of tight bicycle shorts, and a hard outer case that wrapped around her hips and her left leg. The two parts of the outer case were joined together with a large flat flexible circular joint that resembled the hip joints you sometimes found on combat gear. The whole getup fit snugly under her clothing.

“If only I’d be allowed to use the tools the doctor so graciously bestowed upon me,” Shepard sardonically responded to James comment. She was also angry because she’d wanted to walk out of the tented triage camp, but apparently James vehicle was parked a mile away and the doctor refused to allow her to walk through the camp while she was still recovering.

James was wearing a pair of chrome aviator sunglasses and his standard tee-shirt and cargo pants uniform. His grin was huge as he wheeled the disgruntled Shepard through the camp. “You’re doing me a favor,” James said to her cheekily. “Now I get to tell everyone I pushed you in a wheelchair. Not that anyone will ever believe me.”

Shepard just sighed and rested her chin on her right hand that was propped on the wheelchair armrest. As they walked through the camp she took in the state of the triage camp--almost all of the beds were full, consisting of soldiers and civilians that had survived the final push on the Reapers. Many were unconscious or struggling to rest. The few that recognized her—even with the remaining purple, green, and yellow bruises on her face and neck—stood and saluted or offered their thanks. She nodded or saluted back, thanking them in turn for their own efforts.

If she was being honest with herself, Shepard was having a hard time dealing with the praise. She knew she should feel happier for having survived, for having won the conflict, but really she felt utterly conflicted. Since she had so much time to stew in the hospital after having woken up, she was constantly plagued with guilt over those that were lost because of her choices. After she had been debriefed by Admiral Hackett, he had assured her that she made the right choice, but to her it didn’t feel like it.

Outside of the fact that Admiral Anderson had died by her hand--yes the Illusive Man had been controlling her--her choice to destroy the Reapers had resulted in the deaths of the Geth and EDI. She knew going into it that they would be amongst the casualties. At the time she thought she was not going to make it out alive, so she hadn’t really weighed the additional consequences of her decision. _If Kaidan were here,_ she thought to herself, _he’d help me get out of my head_. He had a knack for knowing when the cogs in her brain were being overworked, and would inevitably think of a way to distract her.

~

After having struggled to climb into Vega’s massive Marine humvee--she refused to allow James to assist her--she had to sit still and concentrate on her breathing until the pain eased.

“You okay, Commander?” James asked, the worry obvious in his voice.

“Yeah,” she quickly responded, her eyes squeezed shut.

“We’re off duty right now,” he said, cautiously. “And I think after everything we’ve been through together, you can feel free to relax around me. You’ve been through alot, Lola, you deserve to have a friend.”

Shepard shakily exhaled, and blinked back tears, her emotions still so close to the surface. “Thanks,” she told him, offering him a small smile. “That hurt like fucking hell… And I’m glad you’re here James.”

“Me too. After everything, I’m glad I could do this for you.”

“Do you wish you were on the Normandy with the rest of the crew?”

“I hated being away from the front lines,” he admitted to her. “Being on the ground with the Alliance forces was something I had been itching to be a part of since the Reapers arrived, and I think I made a real impact there.”

James paused to start the vehicle and make slow progress through the crowded triage camp’s parking area. “I think I could’ve been an asset on the Normandy, too. If I’m being honest though, I’m glad I got left behind, so I could be a part of the rescue team that found you on the Citadel.”

They drove in companionable silence for some time. It was nice and oddly relaxing for Shepard, she felt a similar sense of calm around James as she did around Kaidan.

“I think the hardest part,” Shepard broke the silence. “Is that we won but we lost the Normandy.”

“Do you think it’s really lost?” James asked her, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Maybe not, but it sure as hell feels like it.”


	4. The Long Way Round

_ I've got my ticket for the long way 'round _

_ The one with the prettiest of views _

_ It's got mountains, it's got rivers _

_ It's got sights to give you shivers _

_ But it sure would be prettier with you _

-Cups by Anna Kendrick

 

“Major?” a timid voice called out from a distance. Kaidan was adrift in a sea of pain. At some point the migraine had gotten so bad, he’d retreated into the back corner of the Captain’s cabin and huddled under Shepard’s comforter to escape the light. There was a sledgehammer pounding away at his skull, and it left him feeling completely incapacitated. 

A moment later, the comforter was pulled away and the light caused a new searing pain to drill into his brain just behind his eye sockets. “Stop!” he cried, wrapping his arms around his head. 

“Get him to the infirmary, now!” someone shouted, and those words zapped through Kaidan’s skull like an electric shock. He felt a prick on his arm, and immediately his world was black.

~

Standing beside a modular building on Horizon, Kaidan hesitated as he stared at Commander Shepard in N7 armor chatting with Garrus in the distance. His heart rate increased and he clenched his fists. How the hell was he supposed to react? There she was, standing there like it was yesterday and she had never been lost. Was their moment together back on the Normandy SR-1 just a fling to her? Had she mislead him into believing they had a real connection? His blood pressure skyrocketed.

He took a deep breath and stalked from his hiding spot. “Commander Shepard,” he called as he walked towards her. “The First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. We're in the presence of a legend. And a ghost."

Almost completely in shock, unsure of what to think or feel, he let his body take himself into her arms. "I thought you were lost Shepard. We all did,” he admitted softly, unable to hide his heart from her in that moment.

_ Hold on to her _ , he thought to himself,  _ because as soon as you let go, she'll be miles away _ .

"It's been too long Kaidan. How have you been?" she said softly. 

_ Is that it?  _ he wondered, aghast. He stepped back. 

"Is that all you have to say?” he asked her angrily. “You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened? I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I... I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

"Not my choice. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me. So much time has passed. You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds."

"I did move on. At least I thought I did. But now we've reports of you and Cerberus."

The scene faded to black, and all that was left was Kaidan Alenko standing there in his armor, completely aghast. It was like he was a third party observer to the memory, even though he could still feel the heat of Horizon on his skin, and the lingering anxiety and anger pulsing through his blood.

“Was I really that harsh?” he asked himself, yearning to go back and fix what had been broken, just to have that time that he’d wasted back.

~

Waking up without a headache surely meant he’d died, Kaidan mused to himself, laid back with his eyes closed. He scanned through his most recent memories, and recalled the worst migraine of his life before he’d passed out. But there was no headache now, not even the lingering trace of one, which used to be his normal. Damn, he thought, his excuse for resting his head in Shepard's lap and getting a temple massage was gone. He'd have to come up with something new now. 

As a test, he opened his eyes. He had to blink a few times to get used to the blazing light in the infirmary.

“Lieutenant! I mean, Major, Major Alenko!” he heard Dr. Chakwas say with some relief in her voice. 

“What happened?” he asked, his voice a bit rough. He wondered how long he'd been out.

“The wave that destroyed the Reapers shorted your L2 implant. It happened to Corporal Ferguson as well--if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have found you in time.”

Chakwas approached him so she was in his line of sight. “Unfortunately, I had to remove your implant. Both you and Ferguson had formed an abscess directly below the implant housing.”

Kaidan groaned. No implant now meant no chance of having it reprogrammed. Bye bye biotics.

“How long have I been out? And how’s Ferguson?” He was afraid to ask.

Chakwas looked at her Omnitool. “You were out for little over 48 hours, and I discharged Ferguson two hours ago. You should be fine to continue your duties, as long as you take it easy. I know Traynor will want to update you on what Cortez found on his away mission.”

After straining to sit up, Kaidan paused for a moment to rest his face in his hands. “Take it slowly,” Chakwas cautioned, watching him with her arms crossed to be sure he could make it out of the infirmary under his own power.

“You sure I should be leaving two days after a major surgery, doc?” Kaidan asked, hopping down from the the surgical cot. 

“Normally I’d say no, but Miranda shared some of her regenerative cellular therapy research with me before the final battle, and with that I was able to get you up and running much sooner than expected.”

Chakwas let out a small laugh at Kaidan’s look of concern. “Just go slowly Major, you’ll be alright. Call me if you develop another headache.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he responded. “Remind me to thank Miranda when we get back home.” Kaidan shuffled slowly across the infirmary to the door. 

“I know you’ll get us home, Major. Shepard will be waiting for us at the finish line.” 

_ Great _ , he thought, even Doc Chakwas was trying to reassure him. He wondered if he had his sad puppy face stuck in the ‘on’ position.

It took him longer than normal, but Kaidan eventually made it up to the CIC. The more he exerted himself, the better he felt. He would have paged Traynor on the way up but he couldn’t remember what his comms code was. Life was certainly harder without having EDI around.

When he made it up the stairs Joker was standing with Traynor at her station, looking at what appeared to be a map of the solar system they were sitting in, Virtue. 

“Major,” Joker said as Kaidan approached. 

“Joker,” Kaidan responded. He knew he owed Joker an apology, but wasn’t sure he was ready to give it yet.

“I’m glad to see you’re doing better,” Joker told him before hobbling back towards the cockpit. Kaidan watched him go.

“It is good to see you on your feet, Major,” Traynor chimed in. It was obvious that she was trying to avoid discussing the awkward tension between Kaidan and Joker. The cause was clearly evident, probably to the entire crew.

“Thanks Traynor. The doc said you have an update for me?”

Kaidan leaned back against the rail near Traynor’s station and crossed his arms.

“Yes, Major! Cortez found the wreckage of the fuel ship, and we have a shuttle running a relay to transport tanks of fuel back to the Normandy. There isn’t a great deal of it, so we had been working on a way to convert some some of the H2 from Sophrosune into fuel but there were these sticky carbon atoms that kept--”

“Traynor,” Kaidan cut her off, smiling at how some things never change. He never thought he’d be happy to hear Specialist Traynor ramble on, but it was nice to get back into daily work after being off his feet for two days.

“Sorry, sir!” Traynor responded loudly, blushing slightly. “What I mean to say is Lt. Cortez found a mass effect relay in this system!”

“What?” Kaidan responded just as loudly, moving to stand fully and place his hands on his hips.

“Yes!” Traynor beamed with excitement. “Tali thinks it shut down maybe fifty or a hundred thousand years ago! Most likely from a solar flare or from the gravitational field from a larger gas giant further out in the system, or a combination of the two. In fact, the reason why no one found it until now is because of how close it was to that gas giant-- the gravitational field was completely blocking it from our scanners. The only reason why we found it is because of Cortez’s sharp eye! You’d think that a giant mass effect relay is easy to spot but it’s actually not.”

Kaidan, continuing to smile at her enthusiasm, raised an eyebrow.

Traynor stopped to breathe before continuing. “We were able to send Tali out to it a few hours ago and she confirmed that the Reaper’s original programming code is intact and complete! It must have been ignored by the wave because it was powered down, or maybe it was the gas giant hiding it again… Anyway, we just need to figure out what parts are fried and how to fix them. Tali was  _ very _ optimistic. Plus, we are confident that once this relay goes back online, it should auto-update the code on all of the other repaired relays in the network so they won’t need to be reprogrammed from scratch.”

“Traynor, I couldn’t have woken up to better news,” Kaidan told her sincerely. For a moment he wondered if he was still dreaming. Wryly he thought,  _ no, Shepard would be here yelling at me, if I was _ .

Traynor blushed a deeper shade of red. “Thank you, sir. Tali is working on the relay’s communications array. As soon as we get it up, we should be able to talk to any other systems that have their relays repaired, using the relays and operating comms buoys. Hopefully Earth, but we suspect that the Asari and Quarians would have theirs up first. The crew is currently taking bets on which one answers their comms first. Of course, Earth has good odds still, because we have a great number of excellent physicists and engineers on hand so maybe--”

“Thank you, Traynor,” Kaidan cut her off again, smiling. “Make sure to log this in your report so Lt. Cortez receives some recognition when we get home. And put me down for five thousand credits on the Quarian relay.”

“Yes, of course, Major!” Smiling more broadly than Kaidan had ever seen her, she turned back to her console and starting to type furiously.

“Um, Specialist?” Kaidan asked, still standing there.

“Yes?” Traynor asked without looking up.

“What of the other repair efforts?”

“Oh, of course, I’m sorry, I was so excited! Everything is under way. By the time the relay is ready and we find a working one in a conjoining system, we should be fully repaired and able to head out.”

“Even better news,” Kaidan said. Rubbing his neck, he continued, “Uh, one more thing, about my coms code…”


	5. Legendary Chilli

_ I hate this cane. Ouch. _

_ I hate this cane. Ouch. _

_ I hate this cane. Ouch. _

_ I hate this cane. Ouch. _

 

With each step Shepard took, she repeated that mantra in her head. Step with cane. Mutter internally:  _ I hate this cane.  _ Feel pang of pain in hip. Mutter internally:  _ Ouch. _

And on and on it went. It was easier to focus on her shortcomings than to think about what she was about to do. Her anxiety was already approaching overwhelming, without having to visit the fear of failure she felt at her current quest.

_ I am Commander Shepard. The First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. Destroyer of the Collector base. Grand Champion of the Arnax Arena. Destroyer of Reapers. Savior of the Galaxy. I fell through a god-damned fish tank once. I even beat my own clone in head to head battle. I punched Khalisah al-Jilani on camera… twice! I blew up a god-damned mass effect relay. I FUCKING DIED AND CAME BACK. Why the hell am I scared of meeting Kaidan’s family? _

_ Dammit, I wasn’t going to think about it. I’m still thinking about it. _

“Stop,” she muttered, and opened her eyes wide when she realized just how loudly she had said that.

“Commander?” James Vega inquired, walking next to her as they made their way up the Alenko’s long front walkway.

“You didn’t have to come, Lieutenant,” Shepard groused, for the third or fourth time since they stepped off the transport shuttle.

“I was ordered by the doctor to stick with you. Plus, I heard Mrs. Alenko makes legendary chili.” James looked way too pleased with himself at that moment. As if on cue, his stomach growled.

_ I miss missing food _ , Shepard thought wistfully, when they made it to the front door.

“You gonna ring the bell, Lola, or should I?” James asked after standing there for a few moments.

Shepard stared ahead at the door, her arms frozen in place. “Give me a minute,” she responded, trying to get a tight hold on her emotions.

By the time Shepard mustered the willpower to raise her arm and hit the buzzer, the door swung open. If any woman could be Kaidan’s mother, it was this woman. Gwen Alenko was shorter than Kaidan by about four inches and a bit more rotund, but had the same curly black hair, and it surrounded her in a halo of curls. Kaidan had the same lips and nose as his mother. They were so much alike, it hit Shepard like a punch in the gut.

“Commander Shepard--Kit?” his mother said tearfully. Shepard could only nod, and was enveloped in a tight warm hug before she knew what hit her.

“Oh sweetie,” his mother cried, hugging her tightly. The only other person that had held Shepard so tight was Kaidan, and before that it was her family. It felt amazing after everything that happened--after everything she had lost.

When Gwen finally pulled back, she held onto Shepard’s upper arms. “How have you been holding up, Kit?” she asked, meeting Shepard’s eyes.

Shepard was unsure of what to say. No one had called her Kit outright like that since before her family was killed. “I’m…” she began, unused to that kind of attention. “I’m alright.”

Gwen Alenko clucked at that and dragged Shepard into the house. James followed awkwardly. 

“Mrs. Alenko, this is Lt James Vega,” Shepard said helplessly, gesturing behind her towards James. “He served with Kaidan and I on the Normandy.”

Gwen gave him a smile before continuing into the house’s big kitchen. “Sit,” she ordered Shepard and Vega, gesturing to a few barstools abutting the kitchen counter. 

“And please call me Gwen,” she told Shepard, as she moved towards a crock pot in the corner. 

“It smells heavenly in here, Mrs. Alenko,” James remarked wistfully. “Is that the legendary chili Kaidan told me about every chance he got?”

Gwen only smiled in response. Moments later there were bowls of hot chili sitting before them, with plenty of shredded cheddar cheese and sour cream on the side. James didn’t waste a moment before digging in. Shepard’s stomach clenched as she looked down at the food. She knew it was legendary, but she hadn’t been excited about eating anything since she got back to Earth.

“Do you not like chili, Kit?” Gwen asked, concern clear in her voice.

“It’s just I haven’t had an appetite since I got back,” Shepard tried to explain, feeling guilty. Before she knew it, Gwen had taken the bowl away and was already rustling around in the fridge.

“Please don’t go to any trouble.”

“Absolutely no trouble! I should have thought before you arrived. I know you’ve been through a lot since the Citadel. I have just the thing, sweetie!”

In about twenty minutes, while James was working on his third helping of chili, a bowl of piping hot ginger rice sat before her, and Kit laid into it like she hadn’t eaten anything as good in her life. It settled her stomach and made her hungry for more. Gwen looked inordinately pleased with herself.

And that’s when the tears came. Shepard was completely dry and just fine one moment, and then the next she had a mouthful of rice and was bawling her eyes out, unable to control the emotions that the warm meal had suddenly broken free. James quietly excused himself to the bathroom while Gwen held Shepard in her arms. They cried together for a time.

“I know in my heart that my son is alive,” Gwen confided, wiping tears away. After both had calmed, Gwen moved back into the kitchen to make tea. 

“You know Kaidan was so broken up when he thought you had died. I’d never seen him like that before,” Gwen confided as she set a kettle to boil on the stove. “He had been sad about some girl from his BaaT training, but when he lost you I knew that what you had was real.”

“I did die,” Shepard responded despondently. “I didn’t find out until recently, but we dug up some old Cerberus intel that confirmed it, right before the Reapers brought the Citadel to Earth.”

“Kaidan was there when we uncovered it,” Shepard continued. “I’m not sure I would have been the same after watching those recordings, if he hadn’t been there.”

“He knows your heart. He loves you very much.”

Gwen brought the tea over to the counter, and took the stool next to Shepard.

“I love  _ him _ very much,” Shepard told her with a sad smile, before sipping cautiously of the hot beverage.

“Do you think he’s dead?” Gwen asked holding her own mug closely.

“I don’t want to,” Shepard admitted. “There is this quantum entanglement communication device on the Normandy. It’s always been sturdy, secure, and reliable. We used it without fail during my time with Cerberus on the SR-2, and then later during the Reaper war. If he was with the Normandy, he would have contacted Earth by now. If the Normandy was in one piece, we’d at least have confirmation that our messages were reaching them. But right now, we haven’t heard anything.”

“Has it ever broken?” Gwen asked.

“Never, that I’m aware of. But if I’m being honest, I don’t really know much about how it works.”

“And that’s why you think they might be gone?” Gwen asked calmly.

“That’s what I’m afraid of. I just can’t get past that one detail,” Shepard told her.

“And you have survivor’s guilt.”

“Amongst other things,” Shepard said ruefully, patting her hip.

“I thought you’d be unable to talk about this with a civilian,” Gwen responded as Vega made his way back to the kitchen. “My husband and Kaidan were always so tight-lipped, for fear of getting in trouble with the brass.”

Shepard looked at Vega for a beat before responding. “If anyone knows what it’s like to deal with the consequences of my actions, it’s me. I was placed in Alliance custody for six months after destroying the mass effect relay in the Batarian system, and it would have continued if the Reapers hadn’t attacked when they did.” 

She paused a moment to gather her thoughts before continuing. “I also know what happens, we all do, when we keep secrets, and are not honest with ourselves and eachother. Part of the reason why the Reapers were able to attack Earth when they did is because the Alliance and the Citadel Council concealed and hoarded knowledge. I’m done with that. No more lies. No more secrets.”

James nodded. “And they can’t touch Shepard now. If they tried to hold her again, like they did after she destroyed the Collector base, her allies wouldn’t stand for it.” 

Gwen was about to say something when a video message request came through on Shepard’s Omnitool from Miranda Lawson.

“I have to take this, it’s about the QEC, the quantum entanglement comms system,” Shepard told them with some excitement in her voice.

“Of course,” Gwen said before moving to clean up their meal.

“Miranda, it’s me,” Shepard answered the call, not wasting any time.

“I have good news, Commander,” Miranda chimed in as her image appeared on the Omnitool screen. James moved behind Shepard to watch as well. 

“The QEC uses a complicated AI program to make a stable connection with the Normandy--the program itself was written to adjust for random anomalies to make sure the picture and audio were clear. It looks like it was only partially wiped out during the last battle, and even though it should not have had any bearing on whether or not the connection was made, it caused the QEC’s master program to fail an internal check before authorizing a connection. It’s all new technology and Cerberus had never installed any error reporting, which is why it was hard for our techs to figure out what was wrong.”

“So you’ve fixed it?” Shepard asked, afraid to hope.

“I did,” Miranda said, and it was hard to miss the cockiness in her voice. “But unfortunately the Normandy will have the same issue. My guess is that they won’t be concentrating on fixing it--they’re likely using all of their resources to figure out how to fix the mass effect relay in whatever system they’re sitting in right now.”

Shepard sat back in relief. “Thank you, Miranda,” she said sincerely.

“They’re still out there, Shepard,” Miranda told her with conviction. “I’ll be heading out to our local relay in a few hours with some of the Crucible team to speed up repairs. We’re concentrating on fixing the comm relay first, and dropping more buoys. I’ll keep you apprised of our progress.”

“Miranda, I owe you for this, for everything,” Shepard said with sincerity, thinking of her functioning limbs. 

“Shepard, you don’t owe me anything. After helping me with Oriana, with my father, and getting me involved in this fight, you’ve changed my life for the better.”

Miranda and Shepard said their goodbyes and signed off. Shepard couldn’t help but smile. 

“I hate to say I told you so,” Gwen chimed in from across the kitchen. She was washing dishes in the sink with a big grin on her face.

“Let me help you with that, Mrs. Alenko,” James cut in, making his way across to the sink.

~

“We still haven’t had any word from dad, but we’re still hoping he’s out there,” Dylan Alenko told them before pausing to take another big bite of food. Dylan, Kaidan’s baby sister, resembled her brother in a startling way--if Kaidan had been born a girl, he would be Dylan. Dylan’s husband, an Alliance Military Corporal named Mark Janosko, had been killed early in the war, and at 30 years old Dylan found herself a widow and single mother of a 2 year old. Her son, Maddox, was currently asleep in his crib upstairs. If Dylan had lost her husband a few years earlier, she and her son would have been coddled and treated with kid gloves, but the reality of their time was that everyone had lost someone close in the war.

They were seated at the Alenko’s big dining room table. Shepard was eating more ginger rice, and a big chunk of homemade bread. James was across from her, next to Kaidan’s sister, and Gwen was at the head of the table. Seated next to Gwen was a 10-year-old boy named Joe. His parents had been killed during the war, and Gwen had volunteered to take him into her home until a permanent one could be found. Joe hadn’t spoken a word since the Alenko’s took him in. He communicated mostly by nodding his head or pointing with his fingers.

“I’m surprised that you have power so quickly after the damage to the power grid in North America,” James remarked to the Alenko’s, before setting in to cut and wolf down the roasted turkey Gwen had prepared special for their visit. 

Gwen swallowed before answering. “Kaidan’s father, Andor, installed solar panels and some small wind turbines on the roof after they brought Commander Shepard into Alliance custody.”

She looked at Shepard before continuing, “Kaidan listened to your warnings, Kit, and told us to make some preparations for the upcoming war. We also stock piled preserved food and supplies. We’ve been dipping into everything to feed the town--not everyone had the forethought we did.”

“We’re so fortunate to be alive,” Gwen went on after a lull in conversation. She smiled at Joe as he played with a plastic dinosaur toy next to his plate, making silly sound effects as the toy attacked his fork. James had a look on his face that made Shepard think that he’d rather be playing with dinosaurs right then.

“We’re trying not to let Andor’s and Mark’s absences bring us down,” Gwen said. “We have a lot of work to do in the village, building shelter, distributing food, and first aid. That’s what Andor and Mark would want us to do.”

“You’re lucky to have each other, family is so important right now,” Shepard responded, thinking of her own family lost on Mindoir and how hard it had been to move on after that.

“Sweetheart,” Gwen responded. “You’re our family now, too.”

Shepard was so surprised by the statement, that she dropped her spoon. Joe looked up for a moment at the clatter, before returning his attention back to his toy.

“If things hadn’t been so dire, we know Kaidan would have married you years ago.”

“Mom,” Dylan cut in, looking embarrassed. 

“What?” Gwen responded, looking at her daughter. “Now’s not the time to beat around the bush!”

“You’re embarrassing Commander Shepard,” Dylan muttered, looking down into her lap, her cheeks slightly red. Gwen just laughed while spooning more food onto Joe’s plate. Joe smiled at her before wolfing down his second helping of mashed potatoes.

“Joe, sweetie, you eat so well,” Gwen mused, smiling at the boy. “I wish my son ate like you do when he was your age. He was such a terror at dinner time.”

Shepard laughed. “Kaidan eats everything within arms reach now, you wouldn’t think that about him. He once made me a meal that consisted of steak and bacon fried with minced garlic and green beans. He ate everything I didn’t eat. His idea of a date--stalking my plate with his eyes until I was ready to surrender my food to him.

“Good lord, when he got older he used to eat us out of house and home!” Gwen griped loudly, and everyone at the table laughed.

Once the mood settled again, Shepard took the chance to say something that had been on her mind since Gwen had mentioned family. “Dylan, you can call me Kit,” she said first to Kaidan’s little sister. 

“Gwen,” she continued, looking at Kaidan’s mother. “I’m honored to be a part of your family,” she told her with sincerity, trying hard to not get choked up. “I love your son a great deal, and have considered him family since we served on the Normandy SR-1 together.”

She took a deep breath. “As long as we’re sharing… Losing my family as a kid was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. After that and surviving the Skyllian Blitz, I was afraid that I’d lost most of what made me human. I had been through so much emotional trauma that I had turned myself into an automaton with no emotions, just to deal with the pain that I couldn’t let myself feel. When I met Kaidan... he never looked at me like I was some hero to be worshipped or a crazy head case. Whenever I was around him I felt better, lighter, normal, happy, and it wasn’t long before I realized I was in love with him. Kaidan let me be me, and he loved me for it.”

Gwen was tearing up. She grabbed a napkin and dabbed at her eyes. Joe leaned his head on her arm.

“That’s my brother,” Dylan said smiling, blinking away her own tears. “Welcome to the family, Kit.”

~

Before they left the next day, Shepard and James helped Gwen and some volunteers set up a temporary shelter with a seating area, so their town would have a place to serve food to the needy. When the Alliance shuttle team arrived to take them back to San Francisco, Shepard ordered the team to help with the effort, while she and the shuttle pilot flew around scouting for scattered debris that could serve as building material.

When they were satisfied that the work was complete, Shepard leaning heavily on her cane and approached Gwen outside of the newly assembled shelter to say her goodbyes. Joe was sitting on a curb near them, playing with his dinosaur toys, and James was squatting next to him, pretending to attack the dinosaurs with a beat up Alliance military action figure. 

Gwen and Shepard hugged, and Gwen asked if there was anything else she could do to help the relief effort. Shepard considered for a moment, her eyes landing on Joe, who was laughing at Vega’s antics. Her thoughts also touched on her own history of becoming an orphan at 16.  “There have got to be more kids like Joe out there, hungry, scared, afraid of asking for help. If you can find them and take them in, I can have someone with the Canadian Alliance forces help you locate homes for them, as well as provide food, shelter, and maybe even set up a school.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do,” Gwen responded with a nod, also looking at Joe. “I couldn’t think of a better cause. Although I’m not sure I can give Joe up now.”

“Joe couldn’t find a better home, Gwen,” Shepard told her, smiling down at the little boy. “I’ll talk to Admiral Hackett, he’ll know who to contact to get the funding and resources.”

“That’s a wonderful idea, Commander,” James chimed in, before having his action figure feign death under Joe’s tyrannosaurus rex.


	6. Walking Back to Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are a bit shaky here. I was really struggling with getting the tech explanations out of the way so I could focus on getting the Normandy home. It'll pick up in the next few chapters! Thanks for reading :)

_Funny but it's true what loneliness can do_

_Since I've been away I have loved you more each day_

 

_Walking back to happiness, woopah, oh, yeah, yeah_

_Said goodbye to loneliness, woopah, oh, yeah, yeah_

_I never knew I'd miss you now I know what I must do_

_Walking back to happiness I shared with you_

 

_Walking back to happiness with you_

_Said, "Farewell to loneliness I knew"_

_Laid aside foolish pride_

_Learnt the truth from tears I cried_

-Walking Back to Happiness by Helen Shapiro

(Seriously, go listen to this song, it’s awesome)

 

One thing the Normandy always had plenty of was alcohol. When a ship that can barely sleep 20 crewmembers and fit two Kodiaks has a bar, that’s saying something. Thinking back, Kaidan recalled where he slept on the Normandy SR-1--first in the confining and claustrophobic sleeper pods under Admiral Anderson. Once Commander Shepard took over, she allowed the crew to sleep in makeshift cots set up in the storage bay. You haven’t heard real snoring until you’ve slept next to Wrex (and his Krogan sleep apnea), but it was still better than the sleeper pods. Since then, Kaidan had developed a strong appreciation for ear plugs--Shepard snored, too.

Standing at the bar in the Port Observation lounge and taking mental stock of their liquor reserves, Kaidan said a silent prayer of thanks that they did not currently have any Krogan crew members. He recalled Shepard’s recounting of the time Grunt discovered the effects of alcohol on his balance and accuracy, but only after he had consumed two thirds of the human liquor cache, and all of Garrus’s Turian brandy. (Garrus was _not_ happy.) The last time Kaidan had had a shot of the Turian brandy, he was off his feet within 20 minutes and spent the next hour or so throwing up in the head. When he’d passed out on the bathroom floor, some of the crew members had plaited his hair with a dozen little braids. Shepard had laughed at him so hard that evening when he’d gone up to her cabin, she’d tripped over her coffee table. Thinking back, Kaidan felt like it had been worth it just to hear her laugh like that. Well maybe, he did have a killer hangover the next day.

Bringing himself back to the present, staring at their bar stock, he thought they had more than enough for what Kaidan had planned later on.

On Temperance, Dr. Chakwas had discovered that if they cooked some of the local produce, the histamine reaction could be negated, so they had started to eat cooked Temperance bananas, Temperance almonds, and Temperance mangoes. The mango dish, cooked with cinnamon, sugar, and sweet rice, was so popular and delicious that Kaidan thought it could become a delicacy on Earth. That being said, their refrigerated cargo storage unit was packed to the brim with Temperance produce. They had no idea how long their journey would be.

Tali had finished her repairs on the mass effect relay in the Charmides system four days ago, and they had journeyed to the Far Rim where they set out to make further repairs to another relay. Since the Far Rim relay hadn’t been damaged as badly or sat unused as long as Charmides, Tali just had a few maintenance repairs to make, which was fast work with their engineering team. As soon as she got the relay online, it accepted an automatic software update from Charmides (as Tali suspected it would), and the programing issues were immediately resolved. However, she was still sitting at the relay completing preliminary tests to ensure that the relay was indeed functioning properly.

Currently orbiting Haestrom, the Normandy was waiting for word from Tali before testing various comms channels to connecting relays, like the Perseu Veil where the Quarians resided, but also the Pylos Nebula, Phoenix Massing, Shadow Sea, Caleston Rift, Nubian Expanse, and Hades Nexus. Caleston Rift and Shadow Sea connected to Earth and the local cluster, so Kaidan had high hopes for those systems being operational.

They had come a very far way in such a short time. Eighteen days ago they had crash landed on a foreign moon in a foreign system, with little hope for survival, and extremely low spirits. They had picked themselves up, patched themselves up, and worked together to turn an almost impossible scenario around. Kaidan was extremely proud of the crew for everything they had accomplished together. He had a feeling that this is what kept Shepard at the helm of this ship time after time.

“She loves to step into the hornet’s nest, too,” he said to himself, chuckling.

“Major,” Joker’s voice cut in over the comms. “We received a message from Tali requesting that the Normandy meet the NS-1 near the mass effect relay. She says we can get an immediate response, if we send it directly through the relay, due to not having functioning comm buoys in this system.”

“Alright, Joker,” Kaidan responded. “I’m heading up to the CIC.”

~

Standing at the galaxy map, Kaidan watched the view change as the Normandy SR-2 approached the Far Rim mass effect relay. Traynor had set up the visual display to enlarge the relay as they got closer, as if Kaidan was watching from outside of the Normandy.

This is it, he thought, in a little while he might find out if Shepard was alive, if by some miracle a conjoining relay had been repaired. He held himself together as well as he could, prepared to be strong for the crew that he still needed to get home.

When the display showed the relay taking up the entire viewable area, Joked chimed in across the comms. “Major, we’re here. The NS-1 is landing in the cargo bay.

“Thanks, Joker,” Kaidan told him.

“Open a channel to the crew,” Kaidan instructed Traynor.

At her nod, he began. “Major Alenko here. We’re about to open a channel to anyone we can find in the Milky Way. If you aren’t staffed at a major duty station, please feel free to join us on the CIC.”

And with that, over the next five minutes, the available crew filed onto the CIC, along with Tali and Cortez. Tali moved to stand next to Kaidan on the command platform.

“Capt--Major,” Tali addressed him, correcting herself quickly. “Upon doing some preliminary tests once I completed my repairs, I was able to access a control panel within the Quarian Fleet, one that I used to operate, just to confirm that the system was working. I’m sorry to have spoiled it, but I would have hated to bring the entire crew out here only for it to not work. I didn’t contact anyone! I knew it wouldn’t be right to do it before everyone had a chance to listen.”

She turned to go back to floor, to stand next to Garrus presumably. Kaidan stopped her. “Tali,” he said. “You saved us. You should make the first call.”

“Major,” Tali responded, breathless. “Yes, Major.”

“Specialist,” she turned to Traynor. “Please hail the Tonbay in the Quarian Fleet. It should be orbiting Rannoch in the Perseus Veil, Tikkun system.”

“Aye, aye,” Traynor responded, smiling. Once the comm was open, she nodded at Tali.

“Tonbay,” Tali began. “This is Tali’Zorah vas Normandy. Do you read?”

Static came over the CIC speakers, while the crew waited patiently. Just as Tali had enough waiting and turned back to Traynor, a voice came over the comms.  

“Tali’Zorah? … Tali! This is Admiral Shala'Raan, do you copy?”

“I copy!” Tali shouted, tears clearly choking her voice. “Auntie Raan!”

“Thank the ancestors,” Raan’s voice rang over the comms. “Are you well? Where are you?”

“Still aboard the Normandy, the Far Rim. We came here from the Charmides nebula. We had crashed and it took a great deal of time to repair the Normandy and the relays.”

“Charmides? How did you end up there?” Raan responded, confused.

“Auntie, I can write you a message as soon as we’re off the comms. I have Major Alenko here, he has stepped up as interim captain as Commander Shepard is still on Earth.”

“You will have to fill me in on what happened to end the Reaper war.”

“Yes, I’ll tell you what we know,” Tali responded impatiently, feeling all eyes on her. “Is the Perseus Veil mass effect relay repaired?”

“We completed mechanical repairs weeks ago but have been unable complete reprogramming it--it... What?” Some incoherent mumbling was heard. “It appears that the relay just received an update, and is now online. Was that you?”

“Yes, I can--.”

“Explain later?” Raan cut her off.

“Admiral Shala'Raan,” Kaidan chimed in. “This is Major Alenko. Would the Quarians be able to accept the Normandy and her crew? We can assist you in any way we can until we move on.”

“Of course,” Raan told him sincerely. “From what I am aware, the Quarians owe a great deal to your people. Please come, we will be waiting for you, although I understand that we’re out of your way.”

“I have a Quarian here who is anxious to get home, and it would be good for the crew to see some friendly faces. Or well, some friendly… friends,” Kaidan explained awkwardly, thinking of the Quarians and their encounter suits.

“Of course, Major.”

“Thank you, auntie!” Tali cut in, jumping a bit. “I love you, I’ll be in touch via electronic message.”

“Yes, I look forward to it, Tali! It relieves a great deal of worry to know that the Normandy survived the final conflict. Shala'Raan, out.” And with that the message cut out.

There was a silent pause amongst the crew before raucous applause and cheering broke out.

“Major,” Joker cut in. “Are we okay to engage the relay?”

Kaidan realized, in all of the excitement, they had forgotten to dial Earth. “In a bit, Joker. Traynor, can you try Earth?”

The crew hushed suddenly, as Traynor tried to make the connection.

“I’m not reaching the relay, Major,” Traynor reported, disappointment in her voice. “They must not have completed repairs yet.”

Before he could allow disappointment to change the crew’s mood, Kaidan moved to make another announcement.

~

“Admiral Anderson was an exemplary officer in the Alliance Navy. He was also the backbone to the Reaper war--we would never have retaken Earth and destroyed the Reapers if it hadn’t been for him,” Kaidan spoke, as two crewmembers adhered a plaque with Admiral Anderson’s name to the Normandy memorial wall. In his hands he held another plaque that read, Commander Kit Shepard.

“To Admiral Anderson,” he called out, saluting the wall. The rest of the human crew saluted with him as they echoed his words back.

Kaidan stared at the plaque in his hands. The crew waited patiently to see what he would say next.

“Without Commander Shepard,” he started, shocking himself at how calm he sounded. “We would also not be here today. None of us. Those of us that served with her on the SR-1, with Cerberus, or here for this final endeavor, we would have surely all perished if not for her swift and brave actions.”

“She was a leader, and the only person that could have led us to where we are today,” he continued. “She was a friend. A family member. A parent. A sister. She was all of those things to us. She was more. It would be a great loss for the entire galaxy if Commander Shepard did not survive the final conflict with the Reapers.”

With that, Kaidan handed the plaque to Traynor. “Burn this,” he told her, strict finality very clear in his voice.

With that, he walked away towards the Normandy’s bar. Traynor, taking a few moments to catch up, turned to address the crew. “We’ll be having a small party in the Port Observation lounge, if you would like to head over there now.”

~

Later that night...

“And so, that’s why I don’t trust Lt. Adam’s cooking anymore,” Tali slurred drunkenly to Kaidan, before pulling on a straw that was inserted into an induction port on her suit.

Before Kaidan was able to respond, Garrus stepped in and took the drink from Tali’s hand. “Tali, I think it would be best to switch to water--you’ll be seeing your people in the morning after all.”

“Right, right,” Tali agreed, before being led away by Garrus. Kaidan chuckled to himself, touched by the bond that his two friends had formed aboard the Normandy. Kaidan stood as a silent observer for some time, watching as Cortez tried to make small talk with Javik. He considered moving closer to better eavesdrop on the conversation, but he didn’t want to lose his spot at the bar.

“How are you holding up, Kaidan?” Liara asked, approaching him. He forced a smile pulling on his own beverage. Bourbon on the rocks. It was a small miracle that they had aged Kentucky bourbon in stock.

“Alright, as long as I avoid the Turian brandy.”

“It might be a boost to morale-- I recall the crew members greatly enjoyed braiding your hair,” Liara responded, laughing.

Kaidan chuckled, trying not to let the other memories of that night take a firm grip on his mind.

“Do you really believe the commander survived the Crucible, Major?” Liara asked, concern in her voice. “After what we saw…”

Kaidan took a deep breath, feeling slightly resentful towards Liara for bringing down the conversation.

Liara, perceptive as always, picked up on his change of mood. She rested her hand on his upper arm. “I’m sorry, Major. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s okay, I think it’s time for me to go to bed anyway. Night, Liara.”

Kaidan made his way for the lift as the rest of the crew continued to enjoy the evening.

~

Sitting on the bed in Shepard’s quarters, Kaidan stared at the hooded N7 sweatshirt slung over the corner of her desk chair. It was Shepard’s, and he hadn’t had the heart to move it. She had slung it there on their last night together. He marveled at how such a small moment, like watching her drop an item of clothing, had imprinted itself so strongly in his memory.

With a deep breath he rose and grabbed the hoodie. After sitting down heavily in the chair, he brought it to his face and breathed it in. “I’m sorry,” he told it shakily, hoping his words would make it to Shepard somehow, wherever she was. Those eighteen days away had felt like an eternity, and repairing every relay along the way seemed like a round of obstacles that would never end.

Later, as the Normandy journeyed to the Quarian homeworld, Kaidan slept fitfully in Shepard’s bed, his face rested on the sweatshirt, tracks of dried tears on his face.

~

“What happened to the Geth: it was wrong, and we feel awful for it, especially after finally securing an alliance with them,” Admiral Shala'Raan explained, standing across from Kaidan, Liara, and Garrus on Rannoch’s surface. They had taken a shuttle down with Cortez earlier, and Tali was already off assisting a team to assess the Perseu Veil relay to ensure that it was in good working order after the software update.

“We owe a great deal to Commander Shepard, no one thought it was possible, but she proved us all wrong. However,” she continued. “From what you’ve told me about Shepard’s last few minutes on the Crucible, it sounds like it may have been an ugly but necessary outcome.”

“Hopefully we didn’t sacrifice too much of ourselves in the gambit,” Liara chimed in.

“Hopefully we can learn from it,” Garrus added. Everyone nodded.

“Have you decided which relay to hop to next?” the admiral enquired.

Kaidan stood silent for a moment, gathering his thoughts. “We’re thinking Caleston Rift. Ideally we’d jump straight to Shadow Sea because it connects to the Earth, but our people are concerned about making such a big jump blind like that.”

“Mmm,” Shala'Raan responded. “And you haven’t been able to make a comms connection to any of the other relays connecting the hub? Not to Phoenix Massing or Pylos, they connect to Omega.”

“None, but all of the connecting systems don’t have homewords or a great deal of resources. We’re hoping we can gather some resources from the Mahavid asteroid in Caleston Rift, should the mass effect relay need major repairs.”

“It’s a wise decision.”

“It’ll be even harder without Tali, but we’ll make due.”

Shala'Raan laughed at that. “Tali’Zorah won’t allow you to leave without her, Major.”

“I assumed,” Kaidan stuttered, not even considering that Tali would come with them.

“Tali loves Commander Shepard like family. She won’t rest until you are back at Earth to find your Shepard.”

“Major,” Garrus spoke up. “None of us are letting you head back to Earth alone.”

“We’re all with you,” Liara added.

Kaidan smiled at this, touched. He turned to admire at the view of Rannoch with the Admiral.

 

**A/N - I want to say thank you to S.HANG, who created the image linked below. I had to use the idea, it’s just too sweet not to.**


	7. We Live On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting yesterday! In my defense it was Labor Day and I had a lot of chores to do. Also, I had a lot of Mass Effect 3 to play... You know how it is, I had play until Kaidan became my boyfriend, and then I went to bed. I'm always a little afraid in that game that he'll change his mind about my FemShep and break my heart in the process.

Commander Shepard was not one to accept retirement. She could have lost limbs and sanity (well,  _ more _ of her sanity), and she would have still refused to resign from the Alliance military. Admiral Jenkins, who had served with distinction in the final battle, had suggested it to her ever so gently. Shepard almost blew a gasket, until Hackett stepped in and suggested she help manage the triage village outside of San Francisco. They had needed a higher ranking officer to work in the requisition office temporarily.

That is how Shepard found herself sitting at a desk in a military tent, signing requisition forms, while a private sat across from her making sure that she crossed all of her t’s and dotted her i’s.

“Why does the rec room need ashtrays?” Shepard asked, examining one of the requisition forms closer on her computer screen. “Twenty ash trays. Where the hell do we find ash trays in a time like this?”

“Um,” Private Chalmers responded, examining the requisition from his side of the desk. “It looks like Dr. Almida prescribed marijuana to some patients for their pain, because manufactured medications are running low. She had started to grow the plants before the final battle, and they’ve been drying and smoking it. The ashes have been getting on the rec room games and the cafeteria staff is sick of cleaning it out of their mugs and bowls.”

Shepard sighed then thought for a moment. “Have them look into making molding clay from dirt, and assign all the able bodied patients who smoke marijuana to attend a… a craft day, so they can make their own ashtrays. The rec staff can arrange it. We can even have the children paint them. They can make it into an event to boost morale. Also, make sure the patients who are able bodied are aware that they have to clean up after themselves.”

Private Chalmers raised an eyebrow at this, but made note of the Commander’s orders. Shepard’s decisions had been getting more colorful as of late, but she had been saving the requisition office a great deal of money and resources.

“L3 implants?” Shepard inquired, pulling up the next form. “Do we really need to be manufacturing and installing implants right now?”

“It’s for the L2’s,” the Private explained. “They’re eager to get back into the relief effort, lifting rubble and the like, but they can’t without their implants.”

Shepard’s heart started to pound. “They had their… What--why?”

“85% of the L2s formed an abscess under the implant 48-72 hours after the reaper wave, so the surgical staff decided to remove them all as a precautionary measure. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it--they had started to drop from migraines all over the camp.”

“I…” Shepard began, thinking immediately of Kaidan. Did Dr. Chakwas help him in time? 

“I was in a coma,” she told him softly.

“Oh, right,” the private went on. “Well, it’s not really an item we can fill at this time. The surgeons are still doing triage, and don’t have time to perform the procedures in their available facilities, even if we find a stash of them somewhere. It says here,” he said, pointing at his screen. “The staff wanted us to add it to our list so the L2s would stop putting requests in, even if we can’t honor it yet.”

“I’m going to lunch,” Shepard informed him, before standing, grabbing her cane, and walking out of her tent, leaving Private Chalmers with a confused look on his face. Shepard’s hip had been bothering her a great deal that morning, but she didn’t even think to grab her crutches or her wheelchair. Her mind wasn’t even registering her own pain - it was with Kaidan in another part of the galaxy.

~

The Alliance military encampment was located in an open rocky field just outside of Walnut Creek, California. Even though it was technically a desert, they had been able to dig wells for water, and being that it was autumn, it wasn’t so bad a place for roughing it. Shepard sat a few hundred meters from the encampment, on a rocky outcropping in front of a small stream facing west. She vaguely noticed that the sun was setting, and realized that she had been sitting in the same spot for a few hours. 

“Kaidan,” she whispered to herself. “Where the hell are you?”

She watched as the sun continued to make it’s way towards the horizon, turning the clouds beautiful shades of orange, pink, and red. She listened quietly to the stream bubble in front of her, and paid little attention to the footsteps that approached her from behind. 

When the footsteps stopped and paused directly to her right, she could make out a pair of legs in her periphery.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the L2’s?” she asked.

James Vega sat down next to her, groaning as his knees popped. “You couldn’t do anything about it. You would have just worried.”

“Besides,” he continued. “You know Dr. Chakwas would have helped Major Alenko and the other L2’s on the Normandy. She’s one of the best docs in the Alliance.”

Shepard nodded, unable to quell the worry she felt. It was almost fully dark. They sat together like that for some time.

“Let me buy you dinner,” James offered eventually, standing. He wiped the dirt from his pants before offering Shepard his hands. She grabbed them and groaned from the pain in her hip as she stood. In retrospect, walking all that way with just her cane was not the brightest decision she’d ever made.

“You going to be okay to make it back?” James asked. “I can run and grab your crutches.”

“No, it’s okay, we’ll just go slow,” Shepard assured him, as she began to make her shaky way back to the encampment. 

When they finally got back, Shepard’s limp had become much more pronounced, she was drenched in sweat, and she couldn’t talk from the pain. She was relieved James hadn’t offered to carry her--she didn’t think she could deal with the indignity of it or be able refuse his offer. Because of this, as soon as they made it over to the camp she had to collapse into a chair that James had been quick to grab. He must have been more worried for her than he let on. He was right to worry, her hip ached like it never had before, but being off of her feet came as a great relief. She was grateful for the chair.

“I’ll go get your wheels,” James told her, not needing to ask any questions, as he walked off towards her tent. Shepard was too proud to admit defeat, and was thankful that James didn’t try to coddle or pity her. She had a feeling that she’d be stuck in the wheelchair until her surgery.

~

“One month ago we made our final stand against the Reapers. We fought long. We fought hard. We felt immeasurable losses. We haven’t yet found all of our dead. This is a fight that we as humans have never experienced in our entire history. It is something we hope to never experience again.”

“We’re here today to remember our fallen and to thank them for the sacrifice they made for us. The sacrifice of our mothers and fathers, our brothers and sisters, our daughters and sons, our cousins, aunts and uncles, and close friends. Our wives, our husbands, our lovers.”

“Since the day of the final battle, we have learned an impossible lesson. A lesson that demanded the greatest sacrifice. We learned that when we stand together, we are stronger, that alone we fall. We learned that be we black, white, hispanic, asian, Turian, Asari, Quarian, Salarian, Volus, Hanar, Elcor, Prothean, Drell, Batarian, Geth, or any other sentient species across the Milky Way, that in our hearts we are all the same.”

“Cerberus taught us that alienating ourselves from the world, holding ourselves above, will ensure our demise.”

“The reapers taught us that no matter how small we are, or how inferior we feel, we are strong as long as we continue to stand up together and say, ‘no more.’”

“Because of this we came together and we stand tall today. We stand proud. We live on. Living on is the best way to prove to ourselves and the rest of the galaxy that we will not be erased. We will be remembered. All of our fallen will be remembered.”

Admiral Hackett paused at the podium and stared at his notes. There were no fancy speechwriters available to tell him what the best words to use were, or how to inflect them in a way that would inspire the millions of survivors that this memorial was being broadcast to. He did the best he could, and held an iron grip on the grief that he had felt since he found out his friend, Admiral Anderson, he died. 

He stared at Commander Shepard, sitting before him in her wheelchair in her dress blues, in the front row of the vast number of people that had shown up for the memorial service. She was the only person in the world that could look taller while seated in a wheelchair. Her ice cold eyes seared through his. He knew that if she could deal the killing blow to the Reapers and survive, that he could do this one small thing. He knew his words were just a molecule--a drop in a bucket--of what these people would need in the days and years to come.

Off in the distance a baby cried. Hackett smiled and looked toward the mother trying to quiet her young one. He was glad that there would soon be a generation of children that wouldn’t have to experience the pain and loss of the war that had just ended.

“This obelisk being constructed behind me is our small effort to make sure the names of those lost will live on. As we find our fallen, we’ll continue to add their names. We hope and pray that our remaining colonies have survived the final battle, but if any did not, we’ll honor them as well in the same way.”

He paused to take a deep breath. This was the hard part. “The first name to be inscribed will be of the man that led the fight from the ground, and led the final charge himself aboard the Citadel. Admiral David Edward Anderson was born on June 8, 2137 to Ursula and Paul Anderson, a nurse and flight mechanic, in the city of London on Earth. He was the first to graduate from the N7 Marine program, forging the way for many distinguished marines to follow in his footsteps. He was a veteran of the First Contact wars, where he served with honor and distinction. He leaves behind many loved ones and friends. His sacrifice will never be forgotten.”

Admiral Hackett turned to face the monument as a man walked over and, with a laser cutter, and etched Admiral David Edward Anderson onto the monument. Next to his name, a small data chip was inserted, so any curious onlooker could scan it to learn about the man behind the name.

“Lastly, it does me great honor to close out this ceremony with a special commendation for one of our own who survived the final battle. Commander Kit Janet Shepard, please come up to the podium.”

If looks could kill, Hackett thought to himself while chuckling at the commander. Lt. James Vega politely rolled her forward with a giant grin on his face, and turned her chair around to face the crowd before she could object. Shepard somehow affected a smile halfway through the rotation of her chair.

“Commander Shepard is a graduate of the Systems Alliance N7 special forces program, veteran of the Skillian Blitz, Savior of the Citadel, and commanding officer of the SSV Normandy’s SR-1 and SR-2. She is also responsible for every man, woman, and child alive today. As many of you already know, she is the one that destroyed the reaper AI core that stopped the reaper invasion throughout the galaxy. When I debriefed her following the final battle, she told me that she was sure she would die once she pulled the trigger, but didn’t hesitate for a moment before firing her weapon. Her dedication to the people in this galaxy is something we all can only aspire to, and her willingness to put her own life on the line, over and over again, is truly going above and beyond the call of duty..”

He turned to Shepard, who was clad in her formal dress uniform which consisted of a deep navy high collared jacket with gold piping trim, and matching deep navy pants with gold piping on the outer seam. She also wore epaulettes that had three gold bars embroidered on them, signifying her rank as Commander in the Alliance military. 

“Today we are here to witness the promotion of Commander Shepard to the rank of Captain.”

Hackett handed two new epaulettes to Lt. Vega, they had four gold bars embroidered on them. James moved to remove the current bars on Shepard’s shoulders, before replacing them with the new. 

“Shepard, raise your right hand and repeat after me,” Hackett continued, turning fully to Shepard and raising his own right hand.

“I, state your name.”

Shepard, hand raised, took a deep breath. “I, Kit Shepard.”

 

_ Do solemnly reaffirm _

_ That I will support and defend _

_ The treaty of the systems alliance. _

_ Against all enemies, _

_ Foreign and domestic. _

_ That I will continue to bear _

_ True faith and allegiance _

_ To the Alliance and to Earth. _

_ I take this obligation freely, _

_ Without any mental reservation. _

_ So help me God. _

 

“Congratulations, Captain Shepard.”

Hackett bent to hug the Captain, and pretended to not see the tears in her eyes, blinking his own away quickly. “I’m really proud of you,” he whispered into her ear.

“Would you like to say anything?” he asked her after he stood. Shepard nodded before Hackett handed her the mic.

“I won’t take credit for winning this war. We are all standing--or sitting--today because of the sacrifices made by the people here. Because of the sacrifices made by those we lost. I owe everything I have, everything I’ve earned, every step I’ve taken, to the people who fought in this war. If anyone should be held above as a hero, it’s Admiral David Anderson. Thank you, everyone. Thank you, Admiral Hackett.”

Captain Shepard handed Hackett the microphone, saluted the admiral and the crowd, and nodded to James to push her back to her previous spot.

As James wheeled her away at the end of the ceremony, Hackett thought about how honored he felt to have been able to know Captain Shepard personally, and to have been able to witness her in action. He also thought, rather sardonically, that he probably should have promoted her years ago.

~

“Congratulations, Captain,” James said from behind Shepard, as he pushed her down a long hallway to a conference room. They were in the partially reconstructed Alliance offices in San Francisco for the memorial. The ceremony had been a decent diversion, but they still had work to do that day. Shepard felt a little awkward to be stuck in her dress blues, but tried not to show it.

“Thanks, Lieutenant,” Shepard responded, not bothering to hide her smile. 

“Although personally, I feel like they could have skipped ‘Captain’ altogether, gone straight for Admiral,” he told her quietly, sarcasm still evident in his voice. 

“Let me get used to Captain first,” Shepard told him, reaching up to feel the epaulettes. In a way, she felt like she was beyond needing a promotion and rank to feel honored, but the experience humbled her. “It’s a great honor.”

“It is,” James agreed, before turning into their designated conference room. It was a big room with a holopad in one corner, hooked up to their new comm buoys that relayed instant communications between Earth, and their people throughout the solar system. They were supposed to receive an update from their crew on Mars in a few minutes. Coincidentally, this machine could also take transferred calls from their Quantum Entanglement Communications terminal in London; however they weren’t expecting any at the moment. 

There were two technicians working on a console near the holopad, and a few other people seated in chairs on the opposite end of the room. James parked Shepard beside the chairs and checked his omnitool. A few moments later, Admiral Hackett strolled in.

“Captain,” he addressed Shepard, smiling. “I have Miranda Lawson out in the hallway. She wanted to speak to you about something in private.”

James was about to push her out when she stopped him. “I can wheel myself, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, Captain,” he responded before walking over to an empty chair and plopping himself down. Cautiously, Shepard wheeled herself out into the hallway.

“Miranda,” she greeted her friend warmly. “How are the repairs going on the relay?”

“Right to business,” Miranda responded, bending to hug Shepard. “Congratulations on the promotion, Captain. Although I’m sorry to see that you’re off your feet.”

Shepard patted her own thigh. “It’s not so bad. I let James push me around - I think he likes it. Although I should be in for surgery to fix it in a week or two.”

“I’ll be sure to attend, just in case I’m needed. Let me know when you have a date.”

“Yes, that makes me feel better, thank you.”

“Now about the relay…”

~

Admiral Hackett was seated next to James and was asking him about his family when a technician interrupted them.

“Admiral,” the tech said. “We’ve received a message from London, apparently they have someone calling via the QEC for you.”

“Who is it?” Hackett asked the nervous tech, rising to follow him across the room.

“I think they said it was a Major Alenko, but I’m not sure I heard it right,” the tech told him, motioning for the admiral to step in front of the holographic projector. 

“Put him through,” Hackett ordered. Before his eyes a picture flickered. He couldn’t make out the face for a moment, but the visage of Major Alenko became impossible to deny.

“Admiral Hackett,” Kaidan’s said with relief. His voice was a bit tinny, but hale and very clear.

“Major Alenko! It is a relief to hear from you!”

“And it’s a relief to finally be in contact with Earth,” Kaidan responded. Hackett signaled for one of his men.

“Earth is well, we’re recovering,” Hackett told Kaidan, before turning to whisper into the ear of one of his men. “Tell me of the Normandy.”

~

“Two more weeks then,” Shepard repeated Miranda’s words, nervously tapping her fingers on her wheelchair arms. “At least it’s in sight.”

Miranda was about to respond when a technician rushed from the room. “Command--Captain, Captain Shepard,” he stuttered.

“Ad-Ad-Admira H-H-Hackett wants to-to…” he trailed off and pointed at the door behind him.

Shepard heard Miranda remark, “What was that all about?” before she wheeled herself into the room.

She stopped in her tracks when she saw Kaidan’s form projected on the holo-emitter. He was in one piece, speaking to the Admiral about the Normandy’s status. Slowly she wheeled to the side of Admiral Anderson, just outside of projection range.

“We’re repairing the Caleston Rift relay now. It should be done in a few days, and then we’ll be home. We are  _ very _ eager to be home,” Kaidan told him. “Admiral, is Commander Shepard--”

“I’ll stop you right there,” Hacket cut him off, before stepping out of projection range. He grinned widely at Shepard.

Shepard wheeled herself into range and faced Kaidan with a huge grin on her face. Vaguely she noticed the people in her periphery leaving the room.

“God, Shepard,” Kaidan said before falling to his knees. “Thank God. I don’t even believe in God. But thank God.”

“Kaidan, you’re alright?” Shepard asked him, quickly wiping away tears.

Kaidan smiled at her. On his knees his eyes were at her level. “You’re in a wheelchair and you’re asking about me?” he cried. 

“Just a little setback,” she told him, patting her hip. “I have an operation coming up in a week or two to replace my hip.”

“Surgery? Wait until I’m home, okay?” Kaidan asked her gently. His eyes were roaming over her body, as if he was trying to asses if there was any more damage he needed to be aware of.

“Okay,” Shepard said softly. She was looking over him as well. 

“God, it’s good to see you, to hear from you. I was so afraid you were dead,” he confessed, wiping tears from his face. Shepard could hear him swallowing. 

“Me too,” she responded. “So glad. To see you, to hear from you. I was afraid you were gone. When we couldn’t reach the QEC, and then the L2s here had to have surgery…”

“That knocked me off my feet,” he told her, rising to his feet, as if to prove he could stand. He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “But Doc Chakwas patched me up. I’m still getting used to not having any biotics. Although no more migraines.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard said, looking up into his eyes. “I love you. I mean I’m sorry about your biotics, but I just wanted you to know I love you. We can figure something out, you can get an L3 when--”

“I love you, too,” He responded, cutting her off with a smile on his face. “I don’t need an implant to be useful, to be me. I’m still me. You’re…” 

He stopped, finally noticing the bars on her shoulders. “A captain?”

Kit Shepard blushed in that moment, which was something Kaidan had never seen her do. He laughed loudly, and the sound of it warmed her heart.

“It just happened today. We had a memorial to honor the fallen, and Admiral Anderson.”

“Congratulations, Captain. We had a little ceremony to honor Anderson aboard the Normandy. Losing him, that was a great loss. It still stops me in my tracks when I think about it. When I think about the Citadel, I still picture him in the human embassy, standing there on the balcony.” 

Shepard nodded, blinking away tears. “I met your family,” she told him, looking up and smiling. “Your mom, Dylan, your nephew.”

Kaidan smiled widely. “I haven’t seen Maddox in a really long time. How are they?”

“Good, good. They were feeding their town when I was up there. Your mom agreed to open and run an home to help place orphaned children in good homes. She adopted a little boy named Joe.”

“That’s mom,” he told her, laughing. “So I have a little brother?”

“Yes,” Shepard responded, laughing as well. “She also helped me. A lot,” she admitted. “It was hard at first, not having you and everyone else here.”

“I wanted to be there with you, in the end,” Kaidan confessed softly. He put his hands in his pockets, as he tended to do when he was worried.

“I know,” Shepard whispered. “I wanted you there, too.”

She turned to see Hackett walking back into the room. “I’ll write you a message,” she told him. “I think we’re almost out of time.”   
  



	8. Love Letters

Shepard glanced to her right when something caught her eye. “I’ll write you a message,” she told Kaidan. “I think we’re almost out of time.”

“You’ll have to tell me about what happened to you, on the Crucible and after, okay?” Kaidan asked gently, desperate to know how she had fared after the final battle. He wanted to know what had happened to her hip and what had put those dark circles under her eyes.

Shepard nodded at him and smiled. _God_ , Kaidan thought, _I’d have paid a million credits to see that smile._ To be fair, it was a small and watery smile, but it was only for him.

She mouthed ‘I love you’ to him, and at his nod, she wheeled herself out of projection range. Kaidan’s knees were weak, and all he wanted to do was fall over and cry tears of relief. He held himself together long enough for Admiral Hackett to say a few more things.

As soon as Admiral Hackett signed off however, he fell to the floor, sat, and cried into his arms for a few minutes. He felt suddenly feather-light, and only then did he realize the enormous weight he had been carrying was now lifted.

~

As soon as Kaidan passed through the protective force-field and onto the CIC, he went up to Tali as she was chatting with Traynor, and hugged her tightly. Tali froze, and if he could have seen her face, he would have seen a look of surprise and confusion.

“Thank you, Tali,” Kaidan said to her, his voice shaky. “It worked.”

“The QEC?” Tali inquired excitedly. “I didn’t think it would be that easy!”

“You spoke to Earth?” Traynor asked, catching on. Kaidan nodded with a giant grin on his face, and wiped tears from the corners of his eyes.

“Commander Shepard?” Traynor asked with some excitement in her voice. She could probably very easily read Kaidan’s smile as confirmation.

“She’s alive,” Kaidan told her, laughing. “And a Captain now.”

“You don’t technically outrank her anymore!” Traynor declared, the smile evident in her voice.

“What a relief,” Kaidan admitted, running a hand through his hair. “Can you use the QEC to help pass messages to and from the crew?”

“Yes, I’ll have Alliance command help me sync it up!” Traynor told him excitedly, before turning to her computer and typing away furiously.

“Captain Shepard,” Tali said, awe in her voice. “That sounds much better.”

“It’ll take some getting used to,” Kaidan responded, unable to wipe the smile from his face. “Tali, seriously, thank you for everything you’ve done. You deserve a commendation. You’ve been incredible.”

It was clear that due to her stiff posture, she was left a little speechless by Kaidan’s frank praise. If Tali was capable of blushing, or if anyone could see her face, she would be a deep shade of red.

“Traynor, when you have a moment, please open a line to the crew so I can update them.”

~

Message sent 18 days ago...

_Kaidan,_

_Things don’t look good. I stopped them though, the Reapers. I met the Reaper AI and he gave me some options. I don’t know if I’ll be around for a debriefing, so I figure I’ll give you the basics before it’s too late. I’m sorry to do this to you. I know it’s been hard on you. I hate that. I wish I could give you better. You deserve better than this._

_I’m trying to get this out as fast as I can. I’m bleeding, lost a lot of blood already, got a big scrape on my belly, my eyes keep drooping. Face hurts like hell. I’m on the Citadel, don’t know where. I think the station arms opened back up after the Reaper core blew. Can see stars above me and some of Earth. Me and a human woman named Lindy are directing a rescue effort. Maybe find her when you get back?_

_In short, the Reaper AI gave me three choices:_

  * __Control, take over the R’s (and make them leave?), and my body would die. So many unknowns.__


  * _Synthesis, merge organics + synthetics, everyone would live, including the R’s. But I’d die, disintegrated, + mass effect relays and citadel would explode. Everyone stranded. Changing organics and synthetics permanently against their will. Unethical._


  * _Destruction, kill the R’s, and all synthetic life, including EDI + Geth, biotics wipe. I’d die in explosion. Citadel and Mass Effect relays might not be destroyed?_



_I chose Destruction. I hate myself now for that choice. There were 30 million on the Citadel. How could I condemn them to death? But I killed EDI + the Geth, Legion’s kind. Committed genocide. Didn’t think I’d be alive for consequences--just wanted the fucking Reapers to die. After everything they did, they had to die._

_Fuck I killed my friend. I don’t know what to say, to anyone, to Joker. He’ll live the rest of his life hating me, and I wouldn’t blame him. I think in the end I was afraid to die, maybe that’s why I did it? Maybe I knew there was a chance I’d survive? I didn’t think, just did it, just shot the shit out of that thing w/o thinking._

_Between this and the Batarian system, I have a lot of blood on my hands. I should be tried for war crimes, I should be held in a tribunal. I may have saved us, but at what cost? Did they pick me for this because I’m a really monster? Will I ever be able to make up for this? For all I’ve done?_

_Kaidan… I don’t know what to say. Tell Joker I’m sorry? It would probably make him angrier at me._

_I am sorry. I’m so so sorry. EDI was our friend, we all loved her, she grew with us on the Normandy, she was a valuable member of the team. She didn’t deserve what I did. Didn’t deserve the choice I made._

_I’m sorry to leave Joker feeling like he’s missing a piece of himself. I’m sorry to leave you feeling that way too._

_I wanted more than anything to be w/  you, Kaidan. Wanted to get married + have kidsssssdcv_

_Passed out for a minute. Gonna get it all out quick._

_When I got back up on Citadel last night, I thought about what we’d name our kids. Was in a lot of pain, the thought got me moving tho, got me to do what I needed to do. Think our daughter would be named Gwen, like ur mom, son Rin, my dad’s name. Never thought about kid names b4._

_im failing now.. I want u to move on. Dont wait 4 me this time. I loveyou n want u 2 b happ_

 

That’s where the message cut off. Kaidan was sitting up in Shepard’s cabin, after finally getting some free time to read his new messages on her computer. He wiped the tears from his eyes. He’d been unaware of how desperate things were in the end. He was so thankful that she’d made it, and silently vowed to never tell Joker what had happened. He also wondered if she knew the message made it to his inbox—she didn’t make any mention of it in their earlier conversation.

As he scrolled down to check his other new messages, a new one from Shepard popped up. He skipped correspondence from his mother and sister to read it.

 

_Kaidan,_

_You have no idea how relieved I am to know you and the Normandy crew are alive and well. To know that you’ll be home with me soon._

_I thought that since we weren’t receiving messages via the QEC, that you guys were all gone. It’s been a hard month, especially with not having you by my side._

_I’ve attached my report from my last night on the Citadel--I’m just so tired of repeating myself. It would break my heart to have to describe it again to fill you in. I’m sorry, I wanted to talk to you about it in person. There’s a lot of guilt… I just wish you were here._

_The report doesn’t really cover what happened with my injuries. The Reaper wave blew out my biotics, which included some programming that helped control my left arm and hip, and leg joints. Miranda reprogrammed it all (including my L3 implant), but the housing for my hip joint was cracked and some of the circuitry came loose. It kind of works now, but it’s been painful so I’ve been stuck in this stupid wheelchair for a while now. I can manage with crutches for a short time, but I realized I was liking the pain meds too much, hence the wheelchair._

_Times like these make me wish Mordin was here. I have no doubt he’d have my issues figured out, and would already be moving onto more serious matters. His words still echo in my head,_ Had to be me, someone else might have gotten it wrong _. I try to use those words to make myself stronger, to have faith in my abilities, to have confidence, and to keep moving forward. I think out of everyone and everything we lost along the way, Mordin’s death hit me the hardest. He was something else, and we’ll never see anyone like him ever again in this world._

 _Back when I was working with Cerberus to stop the collectors, when Mordin was on my team, he said something to me that still makes me smile. He noticed I hadn’t really been in a relationship or gotten any action_ _—_ _on the Normandy at the time there was a_ lot _of hanky panky_ _—_ _and he recommended that I get laid. Not in so many words, but you get the idea. When I asked if he was flirting with me, he told me he wasn’t into humans, but if he was I’d be his first choice. I still laugh when I think about it: how he basically told me to get my rocks off in such a scientific and matter-of-fact way. I really miss that guy._

_Salarian: ^(◕‿◕)^ (I spent way too much time trying to figure that one out…)_

_Back on topic._

_Like I said, I met your mom. Just to be fair and open here, I have to tell you that she’s my mom now too, and I’m definitely her favorite child right now. You have your work cut out for you if you want to gain headway on that front. ;)_

_You sister Dylan--if you were a woman, she would be your clone--is so charming and funny. She’s also brave and strong after losing Mark. I admire her strength. She made James Vega blush a very deep shade of red when he first met her. Don’t worry, there is no chance of them becoming an item, she thinks he’s all muscle and no brain. You’d laugh if you saw how quickly she shut him down._

_Your nephew Maddox is a fountain of energy, and I sort of wish we could rig him up in the Normandy’s drive core. We’d never need to refuel! He refers to you as ‘Unc Taydin’ right now, which is adorable._

_I already contacted your family to let them know you’re okay, and gave them the go ahead to reach out. Admiral Hackett wants us to hold off on video communication for now, for fear of the press getting ahold of any video before they make an official statement, but is happy to have everyone talking via electronic message as much as they want. Hackett is reaching out to Diana Allers personally to talk about doing a piece as soon as possible._

_God, Kaidan, it was so good to see you. I love you so much, you know that right? Get home to me soon. My hip surgery is scheduled for next weekend--from what I’ve been able to gather from your report to Hackett, you should be home a few days before then._

_Also, I attached a picture for you, I thought you might like it._

_Love you._

_Yours,_

_Kit_

Attached was a photo of Shepard in her unbuttoned BDU jacket, and little else. The jacket was left gaping open, to reveal a gray N7 sports bra and gray boy shorts with a faux Y front. Shepard had a snarky smile on her face, and had attempted to pose seductively in the photo. Kaidan could see a bit of red blush on her cheek and a faint scar on her abdomen, and found the pose to be both awkward and adorable. His smile went from ear to ear. He had once remarked to Shepard that he thought she was much sexier in her workout underwear, than in the skimpy things she saved for special occasions. He was floored that she remembered and filed the image away for further perusal later.

Before reading the messages from his family, he walked a few laps around the cabin and downed a cold glass of water.

~

“I think we’ll be able to go Earth tomorrow,” Tali explained to Kaidan. They sat together in the mess on the crew deck, with Garrus and Liara, all four of them nursing alcoholic beverages. “Traynor just received word from Earth as well, they were able to repair the communications module on Earth’s Mass Effect relay, although it’ll be a bit longer before it’s completely repaired and safe for travel.”

Kaidan hadn’t realized that they’d be trapped in the local cluster until the relay was repaired. Out of all of the relays in the system, that one had taken the most damage because it is where the Reaper wave had originated. Both of the mass effect relay’s rotational rings had been completely knocked out of the device, and replacement parts were still being painstakingly manufactured.

“We can stop by Rannoch first, Tali,” Kaidan told her. “I don’t want anyone stranded on Earth.”

“Absolutely not!” Tali informed him, incensed, slamming her cup down, which caused the induction straw to topple over. “You need me to help repair the relay, and I won’t give up like that just before we finish this race.”

“I’m not leaving either,” Garrus told him while placing Tali’s straw back in her drink. “I’ll help your people with the relief effort until the relay is repaired. You’ll need the extra help, especially with the Citadel orbiting Earth. I heard from Bailey that there’s still a lot of people stranded on board.”

“I’m staying too,” Liara chimed in. “After everything the humans and Commander Shepard did for the rest of the Galaxy, it’s the least we can do. I have a few more Shadow Broker resources I can leverage.”

“Thank you,” Kaidan told them sincerely, shaking his whiskey glass to get the ice to move around. “Shepard and I never thought that we’d come out of this thing with so many close friends.”

“I don’t think any of us did either,” Garrus responded. “And I wouldn’t have wanted to do this with anyone else.”

“Agreed,” Tali cut in. “We are family now.”

“It saddens me to think that we may never be together like this again,” Liara said. She hadn’t sipped her drink, but held it tightly in both hands.

“We’ll throw some parties,” Garrus told her cheerfully, raising his glass. “I feel obligated to outdo Shepard’s last one on the Citadel. And the Major still owes me a bottle of Turian brandy.”

“I do?” Kaidan asked, perplexed.

“You don’t remember?” Tali asked him, laughing. “The night the female crew members braided your hair, you made a bet with Garrus.”

“Do I want to know?” Kaidan asked, sitting back, running a hand through his hair.

Garrus laughed raucously and tossed back half of the drink he’d been nursing. “I bet you that you would be off your feet in less than 30 minutes after trying my brandy, and you agreed to buy me a new bottle if I won.”

“I wish I could talk to my intoxicated self about my tolerance level,” Kaidan remarked, somewhat abashedly, and couldn’t help but chuckle. “What kind of Turian brandy do you like?”

“I’ll send you a bill,” Garrus told him cheekily, finishing his beverage. Kaidan could only assume it was the brandy in question, and his stomach clenched in an unpleasant way at the thought.

“So tomorrow, huh?” Kaidan turned to Tali. He could see her smiling eyes through the foggy purple of her mask.

“The Normandy will get home tomorrow, Major.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

~

“Approaching the relay,” Joker reported from his pilot’s chair, his eyes intent on the open viewport in front of him. Kaidan sat in the copilot’s chair, his grip firm on the armrests.

“Major?” Joker said timidly, not turning to look at Kaidan. His eyes were focused on the small mass effect relay in the far distance.

“Yeah?” Kaidan responded. His heart started to race. He had a feeling he knew what Joker wanted to talk about.

“Listen, I’m sorry for dragging everyone away from Earth like that. I knew you wanted to be there for the Commander--the Captain.”

Kaidan breathed deeply and turned to look Joker in the eyes. “You don’t have to apologize. I would’ve done the same thing. I hope what we did saved EDI and… Shepard didn’t really need me back there. I mean, she’s okay. She survived. And I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“She needed you, even if she survived without you,” Joker told him quietly. He met Kaidan’s eyes for a moment before turning back to fine tune some controls in front of him. “Back when we were working for Cerberus, after she ran into you on Horizon, it was hard to see. She keeps a lot of her feelings hidden, unless they involve punching or shooting things. But I could see it in her eyes. She needs you, always has. I don’t think I really understood until I found EDI.”

“I really do hope we can get EDI back,” Kaidan told him, touched by Joker’s empathy and understanding.

“I think we can,” Joker responded. “It’ll be hard, but I think Tali should be able to figure it out. I’m going to stay positive.”

“Me too,” Kaidan told him, smiling.

“Well, then stop looking at me like I'm on the market again.”

They sat in companionable silence, watching as the relay grew larger as they got closer. Before they knew it, they were at their destination and ready to activate it.

“Permission to proceed, sir?” Joker asked Kaidan, there was clear sarcasm in his voice and a snarky grin on his face.

“Granted,” Kaidan responded, with a joking tone in his own voice. Kaidan drew in a deep breath before smiling so widely that his cheeks ached.

The rings on the relay began to spin, and the Normandy shot away in a blazing flash of light. They were going home.

~

“She looks beautiful from up here,” Joker remarked, bringing the Normandy to a steady orbit around Earth. They wouldn’t be able to land on the surface, so they planned to shuttle crew members down. The Normandy would stay in orbit with a skeleton crew, until she was needed or the docking yards were repaired and cleared of rubble.

“Mmhmm,” Kaidan agreed. He was bouncing his knees up and down-- he hadn’t realized how long the flight from the relay to Earth would take. There had been a lot of debris from the war to avoid, both orbiting Earth and strewn throughout the solar system. It took a while for Joker to plot a course and an orbit that wouldn’t put them in contact with any of it.

“Major?” Cortez’s voice chimed in from a nearby speaker.

“Yeah?” Kaidan responded, moving to stand. He patted a hand softly on Joker’s shoulder before walking back toward the CIC.

“We’re ready to start ferrying the crew down. Alliance command reports that they can’t spare transport to pick up additional crewmembers, so we’ll need to make a few trips. Do you want in on the first shuttle?”

“I’ll be on the last one, just to make sure everyone makes it off safely.”

Kaidan stopped at Traynor’s empty station, she was most likely on the crew deck gathering her belongings.

“Alright,” Cortez responded. “We’ll need to make another trip on one of the shuttles. I’ll inform you when we’re ready for you.”

“Thanks, Alenko out.”

 

**A/N - SOON.**


	9. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to change the rating because this gets smutty. If that is going to be a problem for you, can you let me know? I’d be happy to add tags so you know where to skip: I’d hate for anyone to have to stop reading because of it!

****To say that Captain Shepard was mad would have been an understatement. Three days to go until her hip surgery, and her doctor had adjusted her brace so that it further constricted movement. She was currently sitting in her wheelchair, dealing with a throbbing and unending ache, waiting for the Normandy shuttles to land. Her assistant, Private Chalmers, stood next to her, nervously bouncing on his feet and trying not to make eye contact. He also held her crutches ready, so she could stand once she saw Kaidan. When the private had asked her to take some pain medication a few minutes earlier she’d nearly bitten his head off, so he’d been waiting with his mouth shut as well. She could hear James Vega chuckling behind her--he was also waiting to greet their team.

But Kaidan hadn’t stepped off a shuttle yet. She knew he was probably being a responsible leader, and making sure everyone got off before him. However, that didn’t stop her from calling him an idiotic man in her head, and mentally running through a few choice insults that would apply to this situation.

When the first two shuttles had landed, Shepard’s heart had fluttered like she was a fifteen year old girl in love for the first time. She’d grabbed her crutches, stood, and smiled as some of the crew members stepped onto the landing pad. James stepped forward to greet them beside her. She’d embraced Cortez, spoken to Allers on camera for a bit, and greeted Javik, Gabby, and Kenneth, as well as other various crew women and men. Cortez had told her he was headed back up to pick up the rest of the crew for one last trip down, adding in that Adams and Joker, as well as a few others, would stay on board until a relief squad was put together. James, after embracing Cortez long and hard, volunteered to accompany his buddy back up to the Normandy and hang around on board in case he was needed.

This left Shepard seated back in her chair, in pain from the brief time standing and fuming with anger over something she had no control of. She kept her eyes on the sky until a speck in the far distance turned into the form of a shuttle and she knew this time Kaidan was on it. Her stomach churned with nausea, but she shakily stood and grabbed her crutches again from Chalmers. The young private looked concerned when he saw how pale and sweaty Shepard had grown, but was smart enough not to say anything.

She probably shouldn’t have stood up so quickly--the shuttle was at least five minutes from landing-- but she was so excited and anxious, she didn’t know what to do with herself. Kaidan had written her a quick note last night--he said he’d wanted to write more but drank too much bourbon with the crew that he was having a hard time gathering his thoughts. He’d told her he loved her, and couldn’t wait to see her, but since then she had let her own doubts sneak in.

Shepard knew she had a lot of blood on her hands. She’d done and seen a lot of things most people wouldn’t survive or retain their sanity from. The choice she’d made while on the Crucible, it had affected the entire galaxy. She’d knowingly committed genocide. She still wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to live with her choice, and if that was the case, she’d understand if Kaidan didn’t want anything to do with her either. Moreover, they’d never really talked about what happened with the Batarian relay and those three hundred thousand lost souls, there hadn’t been a lot of time for talking before. Shepard was afraid that once Kaidan had time to think, about everything she’d done, about everything they’d been through, that he might change his mind about her. She wouldn’t blame him.

Regardless, she wasn’t sure what she’d do without him. She’d barely survived the last few weeks on her own. Her doctor had recommended she take medication for depression and PTSD, but she’d held off in favor of counseling for the time being. Earth was still reeling from the invasion, and hadn’t been able to set up counseling services for Alliance vets, but she was on a waiting list. Her entire crew would probably need treatment for PTSD.

Her anxious musings had distracted her long enough for the last shuttle to land. The door opened. She saw Garrus and Tali step off and quickly make their way across the landing pad. They both embraced her tightly, and Garrus gave her a big dry kiss on the forehead.

“Son of a varren,” he said. “It is good to see you.”

Tali was audibly crying, and only managed to nod, say ‘Captain’, and grab Shepard’s arm tightly.

Liara appeared next and embraced Shepard tearfully. “We were so afraid…” she told Shepard, gasping loudly.

Dr. Chakwas was apparently next in line, and gave Shepard a quick, light hug. “You have bones made of titanium, Captain,” she told her, before stepping aside to allow Traynor to move in.

Traynor was overcome as well, and hugged Shepard long and hard. Kit was having a hard time containing herself, and all she could manage was to hug her friends back, while barely holding onto her crutches by pinching them under her armpits. She knew her friends had all survived the final battle, but it really helped to see them all in person again.

As her friends moved away she saw Kaidan behind them, leaning against the concrete landing pad railing. He had tears running down his cheeks and a faint smile on his face. All of Shepard’s anxieties and fears were forgotten.

She gave him a shaky, watery smile. He took two long steps towards her before gathering her up in his arms. Shepard’s crutches fell away forgotten as she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. Lifting her held her up off of the ground, Kaidan spun her around for a few rotations while he laughed silently. Shepard could feel his chest rise and fall quickly against her own breast, as well as the rapid pace of his heart. He smelled spicy, like he normally did, but she also caught a hint of pomegranate. He had been using her shampoo.

After he stopped spinning, Kaidan buried his face in Shepard’s neck and inhaled deeply.

“God, I missed that,” he said against her skin. Shepard pulled his face back to meet him in the eyes. She smiled widely before meeting his lips in a long kiss. He tasted just like she remembered. They both breathed deeply through their noses, not wanting to break the kiss.

“Ahem,” Shepard heard hazily in the distance. Kaidan laughed and set her back on her feet, but steadied her by placing his hands on her hips. They both looked at Private Chalmers, who was holding Shepard’s crutches in his hands. With the press of a button, Chalmers collapsed the crutches and stuck them to the back of Shepard’s wheelchair.

“Captain, with your permission, I’ll meet you at the Normandy debriefing at four?” a beet red Chalmer’s asked, trying not to look his captain or the major in the eye.

“You’re dismissed until four, private.”

Chalmers walked quickly back to Alliance headquarters. Kaidan, with his hands still on Shepard, was shaking with barely suppressed laughter.

“Now where were we…” Shepard drawled, meeting Kaidan’s eyes again as she placed her hands on his face. It was then that she noticed the dark circles under his eyes. She traced them lightly with her thumbs. “Tired?”

“Mmm,” Kaidan responded, taking in Shepard as well, whom he was still supporting in his arms. “Your hip okay?”

“Hurts a little,” she told him quietly. She looked then for their friends, but they must have all wandered off earlier to give them privacy.

“Sit,” Kaidan told her, helping to lower her back down to her chair.

Shepard grumbled, but complied.

“Now tell me where your quarters are, Captain,” Kaidan ordered, moving to push her towards the building entrance.

“You don’t technically outrank me anymore,” Shepard told him, matter of fact, as they made their way through the door.

“Will you be giving the orders now?” Kaidan asked her, following her directions towards the crew barracks. Shepard could detect a hint of innuendo in his voice.

“We’ll see,” Shepard said, turning to smile up at him. Kaidan smiled back.  

~

“A full bed?” Kaidan asked, once they wheeled their way into her suite. Her quarters were not gigantic, but big enough to show Shepard’s rank and respect in the military. The bed was at the far end of the suite, a couch, arm chair, and coffee table sat opposite the foot of the bed, and a small dining area and kitchenette off to the other side. The sleeping area and kitchenette were separated by a thin partition, and a window looked out onto a courtyard above the bed and eating area, currently with the blinds drawn. There were also two other doors, which presumably led to a bathroom and a closet.

“You get some perks when you save the galaxy,” Shepard told him sarcastically, reaching to scooch onto the edge of the bed. Kaidan clucked at her before he lifted her up and moved her there. He knelt in front of her and started to remove her boots before she had a chance to protest.

“I thought you’d want to get something to eat,” Shepard said as she watched him.

“I just ate. We’ve got a few hours, I want a nap, and I want you in bed with me.”

“Is that an order, Major?” Shepard asked him teasingly. Kaidan smiled up at her, before removing a boot and switching to untie the other one. Once he had her boots removed, he sat up to unbutton her jacket.

“I want to see you without all this on,” he told her, meeting her eyes. “Thanks for the photo by the way.”

“I thought it would get you through the night.”

“Mmhmm,” Kaidan responded, smiling a secret smile. Once he had Shepard’s jacket off, leaving her in an N7 tank top, he moved to unbutton her pants.

“You going to strip for me next?” Shepard asked, running her fingers through his hair and ruffling it up a little. She was more than happy to remove the uniform, the pants were especially uncomfortable with her hip brace.

“Whatever you want,” Kaidan told her before sliding her pants down her legs. On his knees in front of her, he put his hands on either side of her hips, on top of the brace.

“Do you sleep in this?” he asked, taking it in, tracing the outline lightly.

“If it hurts, yeah. If I’m feeling alright I’ll take the hard shell off, and just sleep in the compression shorts.”

“I’ll leave it?” Kaidan asked, meeting her eyes again.

“Take it off for now,” Shepard told him, resting her hands on his shoulders. She showed him how to unclip the hard outer shell, and then scooted up as he slid the bike shorts off. She sat before him in her tank top, bra, and underwear. Kaidan pulled her forward and buried his face in her abdomen. He breathed her in through the cotton of her top.

“Missed you so much,” he said to her belly. He kissed it, then moved up to kiss her on the lips. It was a short kiss before he pulled away to sit in a nearby armchair to remove his boots.

“I missed you, too, Kaidan,” Shepard told him, leaning back on the bed.

With his boots and socks off, Kaidan sat back on the chair and smiled at her.

“Clothes off, soldier,” Shepard ordered with a twirl of her finger, grinning back.

“Yes, ma’am.”

He stood barefooted. Looking her in the eyes, he unbuttoned his jacket slowly, revealing a strip of bare firm chest. Someone had skipped his undershirt this morning.

“Did you think you’d get lucky when you got dressed today?” Shepard teased.

“More like I need to do laundry,” Kaidan admitted, sliding the jacket from his arms. Shepard licked her lips when she saw his bare chest.

Kaidan looked down to undo his belt, but met Shepard’s eyes when he got to the fly. He waggled an eyebrow at her as he undid the zipper.

“Keep talking dirty to me, baby,” Shepard joked, laughing. Kaidan pushed his pants down and stepped out of them. He stood before Shepard in just his short boxer briefs, with his hands planted firmly on his hips.

“You like?” he asked, flexing his pecks.

Shepard laughed loudly as his antics. “I was about to be turned on.”

“What, this isn’t sexy?” Kaidan asked, smiling, while he flexed one peck, and then the other.

“On the bed, Major,” Shepard ordered, scooching back to lean up against the headboard. She patted the spot to her left.

“Your promotion has gone straight to your head,” Kaidan groused as he climbed onto the bed. Shepard could see his erection forming through his boxers as he approached.

“Shut up and kiss me,” Shepard told him, pulling him towards her. He leaned over her and met her lips. The kiss started out soft and tender, but quickly intensified to hungrily tasting each other with open mouths.

Shepard explored Kaidan’s chest with her hands for a moment, before pausing to allow him to remove her tank top. She was wearing a lacy black bra, with the outline of her nipples clearly visible through the material. Kaidan lowered his face to bury it in her cleavage. He kissed her there once and breathed deeply of her skin, before pulling back to try to catch his breath.

“We can’t,” he said between huffs. “You’re hurt.”

Shepard nodded, knowing what he was talking about. Her hip was a little too tender to hold her thighs apart for sex and she didn’t want their first time together in a month to be from behind. “We can do other things,” she told him.

“You sure?” he asked, clearly afraid to hurt her.

“Yeah,” Shepard told him. She undid the front clasp of her bra and slid it off of her shoulders.

“Fuck,” Kaidan grunted, before returning his face to her chest, this time to taste her nippes. He didn’t waste any time, and pulled one deeply into his mouth and teased it lightly with his teeth. “Missed these,” he told her when he came back up for air.

“They missed you, too,” Shepard told him breathlessly, her hands buried in his hair. He clearly hadn’t forgotten how much she loved rough play in bed.

Once Kaidan had appreciated both nipples thoroughly, Shepard pushed him onto his back. Leaning on her side next to him, she tugged at the elastic band of his boxers.

“Off,” she ordered, meeting his eyes. Twerking an eyebrow and smiling, Kaidan slid them off easily.

“Missed this,” Shepard told Kaidan smiling up at him. She traced the tip of his penis lightly with her fingers, and looked at Kaidan as he hissed out a short breath.

“Did you touch yourself last night when you got my picture?” Shepard whispered, circling her fingers around his shaft, and moving up and down slowly. His eyes followed her fingers closely.

“Ugh,” Kaidan said, before struggling to look her in the eye. “Wanted to. Too drunk.”

“Did you drink all of my bourbon?” she asked. When he didn’t answer, she removed her hand.

“Yes,” he told her, meeting her eyes with a guilt smile. “I’ll buy you as much as you want.”

Shepard laughed, and returned her hand to his cock. She tightened her grip and continued stroking. Kaidan seemed to be mesmerized by the steady bounce of her breasts, and grabbed one with his hand.

“After I’ve had my surgery,” she told him. “I’ll use my mouth. And you can have my pussy. Would you like that?”

“Mmhmm,” he told her. “Want you so bad.” He moved his free hand to cup his balls in a tight grip.

“Don’t stop,” he ordered breathlessly. He moved his other hand to help her tighten her grip on his shaft. “Fuck, fuck.”

Together they stroked him quickly and tightly. Kaidan raised his eyes a minute later to look into Shepard’s.

“Fuck, you’re hot. I’m coming,” he said. Soon after, he groaned and ejaculated across his chest. Shepard continue to stroked his cock until the last of his convulsions stopped. She ran a finger through his semen, met his eyes, and tasted it, making a satisfied sound. Kaidan groaned. For a minute they laid there, breathing deeply together.

“Bathroom?” Kaidan asked her groggily. Shepard pointed and enjoyed the view as Kaidan walked away from her.

“Missed that ass,” Shepard told him, laughingly, after he disappeared across the threshold.

“You only love me for my body,” he shouted from the bathroom.

“Also because you’re good in bed.”

A few moments later Kaidan appeared in the bathroom doorway completely nude with a wet washcloth in his hand, having already cleaned himself up. “It’s time to remove those skivvies, Captain.”

“Oh is it?” Shepard asked, she had scooted over on the bed enough to prop her head up on her pillow. She teasingly placed her thumbs under the elastic band. “I think you’ll need to help me, Major.”

In less time than it took to eject a spent thermal clip, Kaidan had removed her underwear and was laying on his side to her left. He ran his fingers over the downy curls above her slit.

“I want to taste you,” he told her. “But I don’t want to hurt you.”

Shepard knew what he meant--she didn’t really like the idea of moving her thigh at an angle that would cause more pain to her bad hip. She spread her opposite thigh to expose herself to him, and moved his hand down low enough so he could feel how wet she was with his finger tips.

Kaidan propped himself up on one elbow and began to trace the lips of her vagina. He moved one finger through the slit, spreading moisture across the lips and clitoris. The second his finger made contact with her clit, she gasped and grabbed his wrist tightly.

“Okay?” he asked.

“Do _not_ stop,” she said breathlessly, looking him in the eye.

Kaidan laughed silently and traced the nub of her clitoris, adjusting his pace based on her reaction.

“You’re so wet,” Kaidan whispered, lowering his head to meet her lips. He engaged her in a deep kiss, probing her mouth with his tongue, as he inserted two fingers deep inside of her in one swift motion. He breathed in her gasp, and continued fucking her deeply with his fingers, his thumb massaging her clit with each thrust.

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard,” he told her, moving his own hips back and forth at the thought.

When Shepard shuttered, Kaidan picked up his pace, until Kit cried out at her release. Kaidan slowly removed his hand from between her legs, and kissed her ardently on the lips until she came down.

His licked his fingers while making eye contact. “You taste so good,” he told her, moistening his lips with his tongue.

Once her breathing returned to normal, Shepard stretched out like a cat, a satisfied smile on her face. Kaidan cleaned her up with the wet washcloth, and rose from the bed.

“Where you going?” she asked him lazily, having already sunk sleepily into her pillows.

“Grabbing your brace,” he told her. His voice was rougher now, deeper from arousal.

“Sweet boy,” Shepard said, smiling. She obligingly lifted her hips as Kaidan slid her underwear, shorts, and brace back on. He put his own underwear on next, and lifted her bra, raising his eyebrows in question.

“No,” she told him shaking her head, and shifted to her side, exposing her back to his part of the bed. Kaidan climbed in behind her and wrapped her in his arms, fitting his body tightly against hers.

“Missed holding you,” he said tiredly, his mouth against her shoulder, and pulled a sheet up around them.

“Me too,” Shepard said, but only heard a soft snore against her back in response.

~

At some point later, Kaidan had ended up huddled at the edge on his side of the bed facing Shepard, and Shepard had moved to the very center. She was laid out on her back, arms flung wide, and snoring softly. He wasn’t one to complain--the sheet had fallen away and he enjoyed watching her breasts rise and fall methodically. He always thought she had such perfect breasts, and her nipples were a lovely shade of rose. Her chest and the creamy expanse of skin, from neck to belly, was all smattered with freckles. The same adorable freckles that dotted her nose and cheeks. He loved to tease her by tracing the ones on her breast with his tongue while steadfastly ignoring her aching nipples. He loved her nipples too, but it was a fun challenge to try to get her to beg.

Her chest was only marred by a jagged scar under her right breast that ran about three inches long. Shepard had she’d gotten it when she was teenager on Mindoir, on the day she’d lost her family. She’d lived with the gash for several days, which is why the scar was still so visible even with multiple applications of omni-gel. It added character and Kaidan thought it only enhanced her beauty. She had considered having it removed in adulthood, but said she liked the reminder that life was precious.

He noticed a the faint scar on her abdomen, the one that she had received recently on the Citadel. He recognized it from the photo she had sent him. Kaidan traced it lightly with his finger, before leaning over to kiss it. He hadn’t realized just how close he was to losing her that day, not until he’d received her note. It was a terrifying thought.

“Mmm,” Shepard purred, stretching out sleepily. Kaidan kissed his way up her belly, and nuzzled the underside of one breast. “That’s nice.”

“Love you,” Kaidan said, against her breast. Kit moved both of her hands so she could run her fingers through his hair.

“Me too,” she told him, her voice deep from sleep.

“I was so afraid,” he whispered and gasped into her breast. Shepard could feel his body shudder under her fingers.

“C’mere,” she ordered, pulling him up so his cheek was against hers. “We both made it.”

“Love you so much,” Kaidan whispered, rubbing his cheek against her skin.

“I love you so much,” Shepard echoed, wrapping her arms tightly around him. They both cried together, in relief, in happiness, and in sadness for all they had lost.

“Need you inside me,” she whispered into his ear, before moving to kiss his cheek and his lips.

“Kit,” he said, his voice deep with concern. He almost never called her by her first name, and he felt her gasp after he said it.

“Don’t care. I need you, Kaidan,” she said desperately, moving her hands to tug at his boxers. He’d had an erection since he woke up and it had been obvious to both of them. Kaidan shrugged his boxers off quickly, and bent to remove Shepard’s brace.

“You sure about this?” he asked her, concern clear in his voice, not making eye contact.

“Yes,” she told him firmly this time, running her fingers lightly over his cock. Kaidan hissed and removed her hand so he could concentrate.

Once he had her brace and underwear removed, he moved her left leg slowly so it was angled to the side, and watched her face to check for any signs of pain. “Okay?”

“Yes,” she said breathlessly. Kaidan dipped his fingers between Shepard’s legs to see if she was wet. He caressed her for a moment and watched her face closely.

Slowly, Kaidan crawled over Kit, until his body covered hers, and he held himself up by his elbows. She wrapped her arms and good leg around him. He looked into her eyes, kissed her, and slowly guided himself inside of her. He was so over-excited, he almost lost it right there and then. The feel of being inside of her was so familiar, so comforting, but so exciting and arousing.

Slowly, he guided himself in and out. He knew this wasn’t about fucking or eroticism or climaxes, this was about the love they felt for each other and the need to be as close as possible. Their kiss had stopped, and they both gasped together, their lips lightly brushing.

“Love you,” Kaidan whispered. His voice was shaky. He realized his whole body was shaking.

“Shhh,” Kit soothed, rubbing her hands up and down his arms. Her own voice was shaky and her breath hitching.

Once Kaidan felt Kit start to tighten around him, he picked up his pace, and emptied himself in her as she exploded around him. They both screamed out, and then he fell silent to her breast.

Kaidan gave himself a few moments to catch his breath before moving to her right for a moment to gently slide her left leg so it was straight, and then moved back to rest his face on her breast. Shepard’s breathing was short and catching in her chest, and he knew she was crying. She rested her face in his hair and gathered him tightly in her arms. Kaidan wept silently into her chest, letting his tears fall onto her skin.

They slept like that for a while. Kaidan moved up onto his pillow after a time, and shifted a sleeping Shepard onto his chest. He held her and breathed in her hair until she woke up.

“Time is it?” she mumbled against his chest.

“It is fourteen hundred thirty,” a female VI chimed.

“Mmm,” Shepard groaned, as she moved to sit. She winced as she felt the pain in her hip, and rubbed it while still leaning over Kaidan.

“You okay?” he asked, his voice was still rough from sleep.

“Hurts,” she told him, before crawling to the edge of the bed. “Shower.”

Kaidan sighed and stood. He strode around the bed and hauled her up in his arms.

“What are you--,” she asked, shocked, as he carried her into the bathroom.

~

“This isn’t bad,” Kaidan said with a mouth full of food. They were both seated at the small table in Shepard’s suite, eating a light lunch before heading to the Normandy debriefing. Shepard had served them ginger rice with broccoli and chicken, all she had on hand, with cans of ginger beer.

“It’s all I’ve been able to stomach for a while. The doctor said my medication has been screwing with my appetite. Hopefully after the surgery this weekend I’ll be back to normal.”

“I can make more of this for you tomorrow if you want,” Kaidan told her before hungrily shovelling another bite into his mouth

“Thank goodness you’re back,” Shepard joked. “You can feed me.”

“The mess food not any good?” Kaidan asked around another mouthful of rice.

“Don’t mention that while I’m eating,” Shepard cautioned him, already feeling queasy at the thought. The first time she went there they had tried to serve her a rectangular patty comprised of tofu and green vegetables. It jiggled when placed on her tray. She’d left it there and walked away.

They chewed in companionable silence until they were both done. Well, until Shepard was done, and had permitted Kaidan to finish everything else off of her plate. They sat silently for a time after that, Kaidan caressing Shepard’s hand. Eventually, they moved to the couch so they could be closer, deciding they liked the silence of each other’s company.

“I have something I want to ask you,” he said softly after a time.

“Hmm?” Shepard responded, craning her head to look at Kaidan.

He held something out in his hand and watched her reaction as she realized what it was. Resting on his outstretched palm was a glowing yellow biotic field in the shape of a ring with a small circular design on one side.

“Tali helped me make it,” he explained. “I know it’s not really tradition anymore for the guy to ask, it’s just, life is short and I don’t want to waste any more of it. Want to get married?”

“Yes, of course,” Kit responded, laughing. Kaidan slipped the small band on her ring finger--it was actually a small wire thin ring that emitted the biotic field. It could be turned on and off with a tap. They were all the fashion recently, one could have the circuits tattoo’d on to make the biotic field permanent.

Shepard placed her hands on Kaidan’s cheeks and looked him in the eyes for a moment before leaning in to kiss him. “I was going to propose tomorrow,” she said once she pulled back. “I have your ring in the closet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There should be one more chapter that covers Shep’s surgery and to tie up other loose ends. I have an idea for a story that I’ve wanted to tackle, but needed to cover what happened after Destruction first. Thank you for reading and stay tuned! :D


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